


The Opposite of Fear

by elvenjade22



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Romance, F/M, Force-fear, Force-healing, Friendship/Love, Jedi, Jedi Training, Past Abuse, Romance, jedi academy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-10 02:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 43,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10427238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvenjade22/pseuds/elvenjade22
Summary: Ryn Starling joined Luke Skywalker's famed Jedi Academy with no idea if she would be able to do what was asked of her.  But when her unique skills attract the attention of Master Luke himself and fellow student Ben Solo, Ryn is forced to choose between two very different paths - and the consequences of that choice will reach further than she ever imagined.





	1. Prologue

"And so passed the Age of the Jedi, and with it all the light and wisdom they brought to the galaxy. Perhaps someday, when they are needed most, the Jedi will again appear; and then there will be many more tales to tell.

"The end."

The little girl, whose eyelids had been slowly drooping under the lulling spell of her brother's voice, jerked awake. "That is not the end," she said firmly, sitting up and trying to grab the thick book from him.

"Hey!" he said, holding it away from her with a laugh. "You're supposed to be going to sleep. And it is too the end."

"Is not," the little girl insisted, throwing back the covers and making a leap for the book in his outstretched hand. "I think you're lying. I think you're just pretending that's the end so you don't have to read to me anymore."

"Fine, see for yourself." He tossed the book down on her bed, and she pounced on it, flipping to the back. She frowned as her eyes scanned the page, picking out the words she knew and guessing at those she didn't. Finally she sat back on her heels, staring down at it sadly.

"Satisfied?" her brother asked.

She shook her head slowly. "But that can't be the end," she said. "What about Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader and the Death Star? What about the princess and the Millennium Falcon?"

"It's an old book," he said. "And those things only happened a few years ago. You can't expect them to be written in here."

"Well, somebody should write them down."

He smiled. "Maybe you should do it."

"Maybe I will." She flopped back against her pillow and wiggled down underneath the covers, pulling them up to her neck. "Tales of the Jedi: Part 2." 

She was silent for a moment, then looked over at him thoughtfully. 

"Cass," she said, "are you going to be a Jedi someday?"

"Me?" He shook his head. "No. You know the stories; you have to be special to become a Jedi."

"But you are special."

"Not like that," he said. "I could be a soldier, maybe even a pilot, but not a Jedi." He leaned in close and brushed the hair from her face, planting a kiss on the top of her head. "Can I tell you a secret, though?"

She nodded eagerly.

"I may never be a Jedi," he whispered. "But I think you will."


	2. Chapter 2

"Master Luke, sir?"

Luke Skywalker opened one eye and turned his head toward the sound of the voice. A young boy stood just outside the open doorway to Luke's quarters, only his head and hands visible as he peeked around the frame. It was Jace, one of the Academy's newest, and youngest, students. Having arrived less than a week ago, Jace still seemed intimidated by the new surroundings, and, in particular, by Luke and the other instructors. Right at the moment he looked terrified.

Luke sat up on the edge of the couch, pushing the hair back from his face. Clearly the nap he'd been hoping to sneak in between sessions wasn't going to happen. He looked up at the boy and smiled warmly, trying to set him at ease.

"What is it, Jace?" he asked.

"There's a girl—a lady—who wants to see you," Jace said. "In the courtyard."

His message delivered, the boy disappeared back behind the edge of the doorway, and Luke could hear his pounding footsteps racing away down the hall. He laughed quietly to himself. Jace would adjust in time; they all did. Sooner or later every student realized that, Jedi Master though he may be, Luke was still only human. From then on, he had to earn their respect as a teacher and as a man—not just as a character in the stories every one of them had heard as children.

Luke stood, pulling his robes back on over his shirt and fastening his belt around his waist. He had no idea who the woman was. He wasn't expecting anyone, and if Leia had dropped by for a visit she certainly wouldn't have felt the need to wait outside. He supposed it could be the mother of one of the students, but it was unusual for parents to turn up unannounced, especially this close to the beginning of the term.  
He slipped on his boots and went out into the hallway, closing the door behind him. Luke had made it a policy early on to always leave the door to his quarters open whenever he was there during the day; it allowed his students to feel they could come to him with any questions or problems—though it did make it difficult to fit in an afternoon nap.

As Luke rounded the corner and slid open the outside door, he caught a glimpse of the woman on the other side of the courtyard. She was seated on a bench beside a large flowering tree, her back to him. Despite the distance, Luke could sense the nervous energy coming off of her in waves. Whatever her reason for being here, she was clearly uncomfortable.

The woman jumped to her feet as he approached. He understood now why Jace had referred to her as a girl at first—she was small, with delicate features, and though up close he could see that she was probably nearer to thirty, from a distance her slim frame could have been mistaken for that of a girl in her teens. He smiled reassuringly, trying, as he had with Jace earlier, to calm her nerves.

"Luke Skywalker," he said, extending his hand. "What can I do for you?"

She shook his hand firmly, but seemed to have trouble meeting his eyes. "Ryn Starling," she said. "And I—" She swallowed. "I'd like to train as a Jedi. That is, if you'll accept me."

"Why don't we sit down?" said Luke, pointing her back toward the bench. "Is there any particular reason why you think I wouldn't accept you?"

He realized only after the words came out of his mouth that it probably hadn't been the best thing to say to make her feel more comfortable. He had meant it to be encouraging, to suggest that the Academy wasn't nearly as exclusive as she might believe, but from the look on her face Ryn seemed to think she was being interrogated.

"Well," she said hesitantly, "To be honest, I'm not sure if I belong here. I'm not particularly strong, or coordinated, or...or good at anything, really. And I know Jedi traditionally begin training as young children, so I'm obviously a bit late."

Luke nodded thoughtfully. "Let's try this a little differently, then," he said. "What is it that makes you think you do belong here?"

"Just...a promise I made to someone once," she said. "To do something valuable with my life. Maybe I'm just blindly searching for a purpose, but..." She folded her hands in her lap. "Look, I hope I'm not wasting your time—I have no idea if I can do this, or even if I really am sensitive to the Force...but I had to try."

"Let me at least ease your mind on one of those points," said Luke. "You're certainly not wasting my time. You are sensitive to the Force, even if you're not aware of it yourself." He had sensed that even as he first approached her; the connection was there, but distant, almost as if she were somehow suppressing it. "I think you'll also find that I'm considerably more open with my acceptance policy than the early Jedi you may be familiar with," he went on. "After all, I was given the opportunity to learn at an age and in a situation that would have been unheard of fifty years before. How could I not pass that opportunity on to my own students?

"As to whether or not you can do it, that's entirely up to you. I only ask two things of potential students: that they're sensitive to the Force, and that they're willing to work hard. We've already established the first." He looked at her carefully. "Can you assure me of the second?"

Ryn was silent for a moment, then looked up and directly met his gaze. "Yes," she said, and for the first time Luke heard a spark of confidence in her voice.

"There are a few formalities to go over, some data sheets to fill out, but assuming all of that goes well…" He held out his hand again. "Welcome to the Academy, Ryn Starling."


	3. Chapter 3

Ryn sat down on the bed in her new room, dropping her bag on the floor beside her. Because of her age and the fact that the student dorms were already overcrowded, Master Luke had assigned her to an empty room in the instructor's hallway. It was clean and simple, with a bed, dresser, and a small table with two chairs. It should have been comfortable, but she couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing.

She tucked her hands underneath one leg, trying to keep them from shaking. She knew she should feel relieved; she'd made it, after all. An hour ago she'd been convinced that the great Master Skywalker would take one look at her, see she had no business being in a place like this, and send her out the door without another word. Instead he'd been...kind. Welcoming. He had treated her as if she belonged here, even though she still wasn't certain of that herself.

Admittedly, some of the forms Master Luke had asked her to fill out had been a challenge. Parents' names, place of birth, home system...she'd left all of them blank. But if Master Luke found it strange, he didn't mention it. When she'd handed him back the data pad he had simply looked it over, smiled, and welcomed her again to the Academy.

Ryn reached down and opened her bag, pulling out the book inside. She set it down in her lap, tracing a finger over the words on the cover: Tales of the Jedi. As much as she had loved this book as a child, she hadn't realized what a treasure it really was. Books were incredibly rare, of course, but this one was likely one of a kind - it was entirely handwritten. Not scrawled quickly and carelessly, like a journal intended only for the writer's eyes, but meticulously crafted in a neat script that was clearly meant to be read by others.

It was odd, she thought, how obvious a person's connection to the Force was in all these stories—even from childhood, the future Jedi had special abilities or extraordinary talents that couldn't be explained without that Force-sensitivity. But could they see it in themselves? Or were they like her—convinced they were perfectly ordinary, less than ordinary even, until someone came along and saw something special in them?

Someone like her brother.

Up until this afternoon, a part of her still believed he had to have been wrong. He could have made a mistake, or maybe he was just making it up to encourage her. But if Luke Skywalker himself saw it too…

Either way, she would find out soon enough - her first session was tomorrow morning.


	4. Chapter 4

Ryn took a deep breath, holding her finger over the touchpad for the door. If she was really going to do this, she was going to do it right—no more doubting herself or thinking she would never be good enough. It would quickly become obvious if she was going to fail; there was no point in worrying about it ahead of time.

"There is no emotion, there is peace," she whispered to herself, and opened the door.

The room was large and open, with a high ceiling and enormous windows along the full length of one wall that overlooked the surrounding forest. The other three walls were hung with practice weapons and all manner of training equipment, most of which she couldn't begin to imagine a use for. At one end of the room was an area filled with large, multi-level platforms, all at varying heights and angles. Just looking at it made Ryn cringe at the thought of all the ways it would provide for her to injure herself.

A woman stood near the windows, leaning over to adjust something that Ryn couldn't see. She straightened and turned around as Ryn approached.

"You must be Ryn," the woman said brightly. She was slightly taller than Ryn, but seemed to be about the same age. Her straight, shiny black hair fell just below her chin, and her face was round and lit with a pleasant smile. "I'm Vala. Luke—sorry, Master Luke—asked me to handle your evals and introductory sessions. Welcome to the Academy."

"Thanks," said Ryn, returning Vala's smile a bit hesitantly. "So...what are evals, exactly?"

"We always run through a few quick evaluations first with new students. Don't think of them as a test," she added quickly. "More like a...warm-up, and a way to see how much you've improved later on. After that you'll have a few more sessions with me, just learning some of the basics, and then you'll join the regular classes. Eventually, you'll be assigned to one of the Masters for more advanced training."

"How long does it take to get to that point?" Ryn asked.

"It varies," said Vala. "Sometimes a year, sometimes two or three—it's different for every student, and just depends on when the Masters feel that student is ready."

Ryn bit her lip. Three years? And who knew how many more studying under one of the Masters? She had known going into this that it would be a significant time commitment, but somehow the idea of studying for multiple years was harder to swallow at thirty than it had been when she was younger. She wanted to be actually doing something with her life, not just beginning the next few years of training for something else. 

But she had a promise to keep. And if this was what it took, then she was going to do it.

Vala led her over to where she had been working near the windows when Ryn came in. On the floor along the wall was a row of small black spheres, each resting on its own individual pedestal. Vala leaned down to pick up a sphere and placed it in Ryn's hand. It was heavier than she had expected.

"I want you to study this," Vala said. "Not with your eyes—with your hands. Learn its weight, its texture, the feeling of it against your skin. The way a Jedi uses her mind is unique, unlike any of the other senses, but touch is the closest equivalent. You won't so much see with your mind as you will feel. Eventually that will translate into a visual sensation, just like you can almost see an image of the sphere in your head by touching it with your hands. But the feeling always comes first."

Ryn closed her eyes and turned the sphere in her hands, feeling its cold smoothness against her fingers. It felt like metal, and by the weight of it it was solid, not hollow. It was perfectly round, with no seams, cracks, or imperfections anywhere on its surface. There was something peaceful about it, calming.

"Ready?" asked Vala. 

Ryn gave the sphere back to Vala, who took it and replaced it on its pedestal.

"Now," she said, turning back to Ryn, "This is going to seem weird at first, but try to reach out with your mind and sense what's around you. The Force will help you, if you let it. Think of it as an energy flowing through you, connecting your mind to the physical world. You're going to use that energy to find the sphere—just search for the same feeling you had when you were holding it in your hand. And when you've found it, I want you to try to pick it up."

Ryn stared at her for a moment, eyes wide. It was quite a jump to go from holding an object in your hands to picking it up with your mind. Did Vala really expect her to manage it on the first try? And this was only the first test—she hated to imagine what the rest of them would consist of.

Vala was watching her closely, still smiling, but with a hint of sympathy in her eyes. Ryn guessed she was used to having students stare at her dumbly after she gave instructions. At least she wasn't the only one. Shaking off the feeling of self-doubt that was creeping over her, she closed her eyes.

Nothing happened at first, no matter how hard she tried to concentrate. Minutes passed, but her mind stayed stubbornly inside her own head, and the only things she could sense were the ground beneath her feet and the added pressure of Vala's watchful gaze. The doubt came crawling back, pulling at the cracks in her concentration and bringing to the surface all the fears she was trying so desperately to keep down. She would have to give up, tell Vala this was all a mistake and she shouldn't even be here in the first place—

But there was something…

Tucked away in the back corners of her mind was a warmth she had never noticed before, a faint tingling and a sense of...expectation? A desire...to act, to be useful. She coaxed it forward, letting the warmth fill her mind. Then, hesitantly, she tried reaching out to the space around her.

A flood of new sensations washed over her, so strong and clear she was nearly knocked off her feet by the force of them. The morning heat coming off the windows; Vala standing next to her, patient and calm; a palpable stillness in the air.

And a hard, cold smoothness, perfectly round.

Ryn shifted her attention to the sphere, and the warm flow of energy she now recognized as the Force followed. With her focus narrowed, her sense of the sphere became sharper and more detailed, while everything else around her faded. She could feel it clearly now, every bit as distinctly as she had while holding it in her hand. But feeling it was one thing; how was she supposed to make it move?

She tried simply willing the sphere to float up into the air, sending silent commands through the Force, but it stayed resolutely in place. Then she tried visualizing the movement, hoping that maybe the Force would pick up on her thoughts and make it happen. Nothing.

Ryn thought again of holding the sphere, the weight of it pressing down, her hand supporting it from underneath. Curious, she tried directing the Force energy at the bottom of the sphere, pushing upwards from directly beneath it. It wobbled briefly, and then suddenly she could feel the full weight of it in the air. In the air. The sphere was hovering a few inches above the pedestal, with only her mind and the Force to support it.

"That's great!" said Vala loudly. At least, it seemed loud—Ryn was so startled that she completely lost focus, dropping the sphere to the floor with a heavy thud. She opened her eyes and looked apologetically over at Vala, who was grinning.

"No, really, that was amazing," she said. "Most new students, unless they've had some previous training, take at least three or four tries and a lot more detailed instruction before they're able to get anything off the ground. So, since that was so easy for you…" She smirked. "Want to try something a bit more challenging?"

Ryn hesitated. "Are you sure?" she asked. "That first time was probably just a fluke."

"I doubt it," said Vala. "But seriously, don't be discouraged if this next part doesn't go as well—it's just hard. I give this test—I'm sorry, warm-up—" she added with a wink, "to everyone at their first session, and complete and utter failure is pretty much the norm. Which is great, actually, because think how accomplished you'll feel when you're so much better at it the next time around."

Ryn looked at her doubtfully.

"Okay, so that's a terrible introduction," said Vala. "But let's give it a shot anyway. Come stand over here."

Ryn walked over to where Vala was now standing, in front of the middle of the row of spheres.

"You've managed to lift one," said Vala. "So now let's see how many you can keep in the air at the same time."

Ryn waited for her to go on, but Vala was silent, seemingly expecting Ryn to begin.

"That's it?" said Ryn. "You're not going to tell me how to do it?"

Vala smiled. "That's part of the challenge."

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, Ryn took a deep breath and closed her eyes, searching her mind for the connection to the Force. It came to her more easily this time, and she stretched out with it across the room until she felt the smooth, round shapes of the spheres. Unlike before, when she had focused her attention on a single sphere, she was now dimly aware of all of them at once. The sensation was overwhelming. How was she supposed to move so many spheres at the same time, when lifting just one had required her full attention?

Stalling for time, and because she wasn't sure what else to do, Ryn shifted her focus back to the first sphere in the row, the one she had lifted earlier. With her attention on only a single object, it was much easier to concentrate, so she had no difficulty moving the sphere as she had before. Again she felt the weight of it as it rose in the air, but not in the same way as if she had been holding it in her hand; she could sense the weight, as she could sense the temperature and shape, but it didn't make it any more difficult to lift. She imagined this must be how Jedi could lift enormous objects with little effort—the size and weight made no difference, because the Force was doing the actual work.

But she still had no idea how to lift more than one thing at a time. Every time she tried to shift her attention to the next sphere in the row, the first sphere started to fall. The Force always obeyed her thoughts immediately, flowing like water in whatever direction she pointed her focus. Like water…

Ryn thought of the river that had run past her home when she was a child. She had spent hours playing along its banks, exploring up and down its length and following the many smaller streams that split off from the main course. If the Force really did behave like water, shouldn't it be able to divide in the same way?

She tried to picture the current in her mind, the way real water would move and separate, and then imagined the flow of the Force doing the same. It was almost like trying to look at something out of the corner of her eye—her attention stayed focused on the first sphere, but her thoughts pulled toward the second.

And then she could sense them both. It wasn't at all like sensing the entire row of spheres at once - then they were hazy and indistinct, shapeless objects all clamoring for her attention. This time both spheres were as clear and detailed as the one alone had been, as if she were looking at each one through a separate part of her mind. She found she could also control them separately, and she carefully directed the Force energy underneath the second sphere, lifting it in the air along with the first.

She moved down the row, using the same technique to lift the other spheres, but each additional split increased the strain on her mind. It wasn't painful, exactly, but her thoughts were being pulled in so many different directions that the threads of her focus were stretching thin. Finally they snapped, and when she opened her eyes the spheres were scattered across the floor, all rolling in different directions. She glanced over at Vala, still uncertain of how well she'd done.

But Vala only stared, open-mouthed, at the spheres on the floor. She seemed stunned, for once, into silence.


	5. Chapter 5

"She scored a sixteen on the Rrogan test! Sixteen! On her first try, and she was a nervous wreck, as much as she tried to hide it. Can you imagine what she could do if she were calm and focused?"

Vala was leaning on the table in Luke's quarters. She had come in while Luke was planning out the schedule for the next week, and before he'd even had a chance to ask how Ryn's first session had gone she'd begun filling him in on every detail.

"I mean, I'm lucky if I can pull a ten or eleven out of some of the more advanced students," she went on. "I've only ever managed a seventeen, myself."

Luke sat back in his chair. Scoring that highly as a new student wasn't just impressive; it was unheard of. "How did she do on the other evaluations?" he asked.

Vala shrugged. "Well, they weren't a complete disaster," she said. "She's not especially coordinated, so the more physical tests were a bit of a challenge. I wouldn't recommend putting a lightsaber in her hands anytime soon—she'd be more of a hazard to herself than to anyone else, but I suspect she'd prefer to keep all of her limbs. Unless of course you're looking to add more members to your Single-Handed Society." She raised her right hand in the air and wiggled her fingers at him.

Luke rolled his eyes. Hand jokes were a particular specialty of Vala's. "Check with Master Yevara to see if you can get her into his meditation class this afternoon," he said. "She'll need to start as soon as possible. And I'll handle the rest of her intro sessions myself—I want to see firsthand what she's capable of."

"Right. I'll be fascinated to hear what you make of her. But just remember—" Vala backed away toward the door, grinning and holding up one hand again as she silently mouthed her next words.

"No lightsabers."

 

***

 

Ryn opened her eyes and stole a quick glance at the student seated next to her. The girl looked to be about 10 years old, and as far as Ryn could tell she was practically asleep—eyes closed, breathing slow, posture relaxed. Was that what this was supposed to look like? Ryn scrunched her eyes shut again and tried to concentrate, fully aware of the fact that having to work this hard just to relax probably meant she was doing something wrong.

It didn't help that her introduction to this class had been anything but relaxing. She had been in her room for less than an hour after that morning's semi-disastrous session when she'd heard a knock at the door. As soon as she opened it, Vala burst in, flashed a quick smile, and then proceeded to grab Ryn by the arm and half-drag her out the door and down the hallway. When Ryn asked where they were going, her only response was to mutter something like, "I swear, Luke is going to kill me one of these days...can't remember anything" and then to slightly quicken their pace.

When they had finally arrived at a classroom on the far side of the complex, Vala opened the door and marched inside, still pulling Ryn along behind her. The room was full of students, all seated on the floor in rows, with an older man wearing the same brown robes as Master Luke facing them in the front.

"Master Yevara?" said Vala.

The man looked up, along with most of the rest of the class.

"I have a new student for you." She gave Ryn a gentle shove forward. "Ryn Starling. And, um...if you could not mention anything to Master Luke about her being late…?"

The Master gave Vala a patient look, seemingly used to this sort of thing from her. Vala patted Ryn on the shoulder. "Have fun," she whispered, then darted out of the room. Ryn turned and glared after her, aware of the students starting to giggle behind her. With a sigh, she turned back around to face the class.

"Please have a seat, Miss Starling."

That was twenty minutes ago, and Ryn had spent the time since trying her best to "open herself to the calming influence of the Force", as Master Yevara had put it. The trouble was, if there was actually a calming side to the Force, Ryn hadn't been able to find it yet. Every time she felt the Force flowing through her she the urge to act, to do something with it—not just sit on the floor in some sort of trance. Something had changed inside her since yesterday, woken her up. The last thing she wanted was to go back to sleep.

The harder she tried to focus, the more difficult it became even to sit still. She couldn't understand how everyone around her could sit so calmly. Did they have the same feeling she did? The same sense of power and energy flowing through them, the same desperation to do something with it? How could they stand it?

The moment the class ended Ryn jumped to her feet, and it was all she could do to keep from running out of the room.

 

***

 

A few hours later Ryn sat at a table in the dining hall, picking absently at the plate of food in front of her. At the other tables, clustered groups of students talked and joked, their laughter echoing through the large room. There was even a small group made up of students that seemed to be near her own age or slightly older, but even if she'd felt comfortable joining them she wasn't exactly in the mood to be sociable.

This wasn't working—she could tell that already. Maybe she technically had the ability to become a Jedi, but she certainly didn't seem to have the temperament or the patience. Or the coordination. Or—

A sound beside her made her jump, and she looked up to see a man sitting down in the chair beside her, his plate already on the table. He was tall, and looked to be in his early twenties, with a thin, angular face and black hair that fell across one eye.

"Do you mind?" he asked.

Ryn shook her head, though she noticed he hadn't paused to wait for an answer before sitting down anyway.

"You're Ryn Starling." It wasn't a question, but she nodded anyway. "I'm Ben," he said.

He held out his hand, and she shook it—it was freezing, which seemed odd to her given how warm the room was.

"Nice to meet you," she said, though she wasn't yet sure if she meant it. She glanced over Ben's shoulder to the table where the Masters and other instructors were sitting, and happened to catch Master's Luke's eye—he was watching them, and he didn't seem pleased. "Um...how exactly did you know who I was?"

"I overheard Vala and Skywalker talking about you this morning," said Ben. "Vala seems to think you have something of a unique talent."

Ryn grimaced. "Are you sure she meant that as a compliment? So far my only talent seems to be failing miserably at everything I try."

"Somehow I doubt that," Ben said. "Listen, there's a group of us that meets after hours a few times a week for some extra practice, focusing on skills that aren't usually covered as a part of the normal classes. We're quite...selective about who we allow to join us, but I have a feeling you'd fit in." He gave her a thin smile. "Besides, if you came with me they'd have to let you in."

Ryn hesitated, risking a quick look over at Master Luke. His head was turned away, but she got the feeling he was still watching them out of the corner of his eye. "Can I...think about it?" she said finally. "I've only just started, and I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable trying anything beyond the regular lessons yet, as much trouble as I'm already having."

Ben turned to look back briefly over his shoulder, following her line of sight. When he faced her again his eyes had hardened slightly, the smile frozen on his lips. "He's really nothing special, you know," he said. "Skywalker. Everyone around here worships him, but don't make the mistake of thinking he's infallible. He's lucky, that's all. He has weaknesses and vulnerabilities just like the rest of them."

"Them?" said Ryn.

"Us," Ben corrected. "Jedi—or anyone, really. We all have weaknesses that can be used against us, if the right people discover them."

He stood up. "Think about it," he said. "Join us if you like - I still say you'd do well. But if you already think you have to get Skywalker's approval for every breath you take, don't bother. There's no room for hero worship in what we're doing."

Ryn stared after him as he walked away, trying to process what had just happened. Ben's obvious dislike for Master Luke didn't sit well, but she couldn't work out which bothered her more—the idea that someone she respected could be disliked so strongly, or the possibility that he had done something deserving of such a negative opinion. After all, she knew so little of Luke Skywalker beyond what she had heard in stories, and who was to say how much of that was the truth? Not that Ben struck her as a particularly reliable judge of character. Some of what he'd said had been true—no one, Jedi or otherwise, was without weaknesses—but the way he'd said it…

And this training group he'd mentioned—it was tempting to feel flattered by Ben's invitation, but she didn't trust his motivation for asking her. She got the impression that he thought she might be useful, though she still wasn't sure why. Maybe she would ask Vala about him at her next session in the morning.

The dining hall was already starting to empty, and Ryn had barely touched anything on her plate. The food was cold and unappetizing by now, but she swallowed as much as she could and scraped the rest into a nearby garbage compressor before heading back to her room, looking forward to the silence and a good night's sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

_"But why can't I come with you?"_

The young girl rubbed at her eyes, trying to wipe away the tears so she could see her brother's face more clearly. He reached out and gently touched her cheek.

"Because it won't be safe for you yet," her brother said. "I don't know where I'll be living, or what it will be like there. I can't bring you with me until I know for sure that I can take care of you."

"But you're going to be a pilot."

He smiled. "I'm going to try."

"So you can fly your ship back here and come get me."

"Just as soon as it's safe," he said. "You probably won't even have time to miss me."

The girl frowned, her small forehead wrinkling with concern. "But what if Uncle Roan won't let me leave?" she said.

Her brother thought for a moment, then stood up and took her hand, leading her over to the window beside her bed. "Every night before you go to sleep, open this window - just a little bit." He pushed it open, and the cool night air wafted in, tinged with the scent of smoke and the rich, earthy smell of the forest. "That way, when I come back for you I can climb in through here while everyone else is asleep, and we can sneak away before they even know you're gone."

He knelt down in front of her and pulled her into a tight hug, gently stroking her hair. "And I will come back for you, Ryn," he said. "I promise."

Ryn tried to fight back the tears, but they came anyway, spilling down her cheeks and onto the collar of his jacket. There were so many things she wanted to say, but she couldn't find the words for any of them. Instead she just hugged him tighter, letting herself pretend for a moment that she would never have to let go.

Finally he pulled back and looked at her, smiling sadly. "Close your eyes and say it with me," he said, grabbing hold of her hands. "There is no emotion…"

"There is peace." She closed her eyes, her eyelashes and cheeks still damp with tears, and recited the familiar words of the Jedi code. She and Cass had memorized it together, and saying it out loud always helped to calm her down on the bad days, when Uncle Roan was at his worst. "There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion…"

He let go of her hands.

"There is serenity. There is no chaos, there is harmony. There is no death…"

His voice had grown fainter with each line, until finally it lapsed into silence. Only her own voice echoed in her ears, sounding small and very afraid.

"There is the Force."

When she finally worked up the courage to open her eyes, he was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm sorry, I was looking for Vala. Do you know where she is?"

Luke turned and saw Ryn standing just inside the training room door. Her auburn hair was pulled back away from her face, and she wore a long-sleeved shirt despite the warm morning. She looked at him expectantly, already taking a step backwards toward the door.

"Don't worry, you're in the right place," he said, gesturing for her to come in. "I asked Vala to let me handle the rest of your introductory sessions myself. Assuming that's all right with you, of course?"

Ryn looked surprised. "That's...that's fine, yes," she said. "But you should know, it wasn't Vala's fault that I did so poorly on most of the tests. She's an excellent teacher, I'm just…"

Luke held up a hand to stop her. "I think you've misunderstood me," he said kindly. "This isn't meant to be a punishment for either of you. Quite the opposite, in fact - from what Vala told me of your first session, you seem to be uniquely talented in certain areas, and I was curious to see for myself."

Ryn smiled a bit skeptically, the smallest hint of a blush creeping up into her cheeks. "I wish I had half as much confidence in myself as everyone else seems to have in me lately," she said.

"You'll get there," said Luke. "This is all still new to you. Don't be too discouraged if not everything is comfortable at first. And just remember I'm here to help, whenever you need it. That's the whole point of the Master-student relationship—you're never in this alone."

Her smile was more genuine this time, and Luke couldn't help but notice the warmth and softness that came over her face along with it. He looked quickly down at the floor.

"Shall we get started, then?" he asked.

He took her through all the basic mental training exercises, adding in a few more advanced techniques toward the end just to see how she would handle them. True to what Vala had said, she performed well on every one of them, but it was the exercises that involved dividing her focus between multiple objects where she truly excelled. He watched, genuinely awestruck, as she mastered with little effort things that he had struggled for years to learn himself. It amazed him that she could do so much and still have so little awareness of her own abilities. 

He kept his feedback positive but brief, wanting to encourage her without yet letting her know just how extraordinary her gifts were. Yet with each exercise she completed, he could sense an eagerness growing in her that hadn't been there before. Even deep in concentration, a hint of a satisfied smile would touch her lips each time she succeeded at a task, and by the time she looked up at him after finishing the final exercise she was radiant with the joy of it.

"What's next?" she asked, beaming at him.

He avoided looking her directly in the eye, though he wasn't quite sure why. "Next we move on to the physical exercises," he said. "Balance, strength, agility, and so on."

Her face fell, all the excitement gone from her eyes in an instant.

"I already know this isn't your best area, and that's fine," Luke said reassuringly. "It hardly means you're hopeless. Part of training to be a Jedi is learning to use your strengths to compensate for your weaknesses. And I'll go easy on you at first—no backflips or handstands on your second day."

Ryn stared at him, clearly horrified. "You mean you think backflips and handstands are eventually going to happen for me?" she said. "Are you _actually trying_ to get me killed?"

Luke laughed. "No, believe it or not," he said. "Let's just take it slowly and see how things go. I promise not to make you risk life or limb unnecessarily."

He reached out with the Force and picked up a large, smooth stone from the far side of the room, bringing it to rest in front of Ryn's feet. It was flat on one side but rounded on the other, making it a perfect tool for all manner of balance exercises. He knew students often found it strange that he insisted on using something so simple when there were so many more sophisticated pieces of equipment available, but it was more than just a stone to him. At some distant point in the past it had been merely a piece of the Dagobah landscape, unobserved and unimportant. But when Luke had arrived on the planet seeking training, Master Yoda had used that stone, along with many others like it, to begin teaching him the ways of the Force. After Yoda's death Luke had selected the stone from among the others and brought it back with him, uncertain as to what he would do with it, but somehow unable to leave it behind. He had hoped it would prove useful eventually. And so it had.

He flipped the stone so the rounded side faced down; it rocked gently back and forth as he released it. It was a simple exercise, in theory—students would stand on the flattened side and maintain their balance by centering their weight over the middle of the stone. Many could manage it easily on their own, but for those who couldn't it was a good introduction to using the Force to assist them physically by strengthening muscles and balance.

"All right," he said. "One foot at a time, whenever you're ready." 

Ryn threw him an exasperated look, but did as he said. Her first step tilted the stone all the way to one side, and as she placed her other foot on the opposite side the sudden shift in weight knocked her off balance. She stumbled sideways, one foot twisting awkwardly beneath her. Luke caught her by the arm as she fell, and his grip slid the sleeve of her shirt halfway up her forearm, revealing skin laced with dozens of long, narrow scars. They seemed old and well healed—most had faded to white or pale pink, though a few of the larger ones were still tinged with purple in the center.

As soon as she noticed him looking she jerked her arm out of his hand, quickly yanking the sleeve back down to cover the skin. "I warned you I'm clumsy," she said coldly. She shook out her twisted ankle, wincing when she put her weight on it, then stepped back in front of the stone. "Again."

She worked determinedly at the same exercise for the remainder of the session. Luke gave her advice when he could, coaching her on how to use the Force to steady herself, and by the end of the session she was at least able to balance for a few seconds at a time. But despite the improvement, she didn't seem encouraged. Her frustration had lessened slightly, perhaps, but in its place a deep sadness had settled over her that he didn't understand.

"Are you all right, Ryn?" he asked as she turned to leave, still limping. "Your ankle, I mean."

She looked down. "It's fine," she said quietly. "Thank you."

He watched her go, wishing there was something he could do to help. It wasn't his place; he knew that. His students' past and personal lives were their own business, not his. Of course he would never turn a student away if they chose to come to him for help, but unless a problem became so serious that it put the student's safety at risk or began to interfere with their training, he didn't feel it was right to press them with too many questions.

An uncomfortable feeling nagged at the back of his mind as he remembered Ben Solo approaching Ryn at dinner the previous night. It wasn't his place to tell her how to choose her friends, either, but Ben was the last person he would have wanted Ryn to become close to. Luke still held out hope that he could change, but for the moment he knew that Ben's intentions in befriending Ryn would be far more for his own benefit than out of any genuine affection for her. He only hoped Ryn could see that, too.


	8. Chapter 8

Ryn lay in bed staring at the ceiling, exhausted but completely unable to sleep.  She hadn't slept well the previous night, either, thanks in part to the stress, nerves, and excitement of starting over in a new place.

That, and the fact that for the first time in her life, she was sleeping in a room without a window.

It shouldn't make any difference; she knew that.  She was a long way from her uncle's home on Chanispiek, and Cass was never going to come back for her now. But ever since the night he'd left when she was ten years old, she had never been able to sleep unless she opened her window first—just a little. It was born of hope in the beginning, when she had actually believed— _ knew _ , in her childish mind—that he was going to return.  He was her hero, her shining rescuer, and in those days she was convinced nothing could ever stop him from coming back to take her away with him.

But even when the doubt had started to creep in, even after she was certain she was never going to see him again, she still opened her window every night before going to sleep.  It was a habit, a comforting ritual she couldn't bring herself to let go of—nothing more. She was under no illusions; she had learned long ago that the only way she was ever going to be rescued was to rescue herself.

Ryn slid out of bed, pulling on a jacket over the top of her faded nightgown. Her ankle protested slightly when she stood, but it was already far less painful than it had been even a few hours ago. A sliver of pale light from underneath the door led her out into the hallway, and she walked past the instructor's rooms toward the stairway, bare feet padding soundlessly on the floor.  She had no idea what time it was, but it was clearly well past curfew—no light showed underneath the doorways of any of the rooms she passed, and silence hung heavy in the air.

She moved quietly up the stairs, heading for the top floor.  Luke had given her a tour shortly after she'd arrived, and besides the large, ground-level courtyard where they had first met, he had also taken her to a smaller courtyard on the roof.  It was accessed from the fourth floor, surrounded by walls on all sides but completely open to the sky above.  Because of the temperate climate and the fact that, despite being technically outside, it offered no reasonable way of leaving the Academy grounds, the courtyard was connected to the building by nothing more than an open archway.  

Which meant it was accessible at any time of day or night...regardless of the curfew.  Still, she had half expected to run into someone standing guard along the way—surely the Academy  had some sort of security set up to keep students from wandering the halls at night?  But she reached the archway without incident, and breathed a sigh of relief as the cool night air washed over her.

The moon overhead lit the courtyard garden with a silvery glow, and the breeze carried the sweet, subtle fragrance of the newly flowering trees.  Ryn followed the stone path until she found a patch of soft, moss-like ground cover and stretched out on her back, taking in the starry expanse above her and trying her best to relax.

It wasn't just the lack of a window that had prevented her from sleeping.  All day long she'd been replaying that morning's session in her mind, trying to sort through the tangle of emotions that came along with it. She had been thrilled, at first, with how much she'd been learning under Luke's instruction.  For the first time in years, she had felt confident in herself and her own abilities. Finally she was working toward something worthwhile, something meaningful.  But when they had switched to the balance exercises…

Ryn rubbed self-consciously at her arm. She knew she'd reacted in the worst possible way.  She should have laughed it off, offered some innocent explanation, pulled her sleeve back down and moved on.  But the look in Luke's eyes when he'd seen those scars had terrified her.  It was sympathy.  Pity.  She wanted Luke to respect her, not feel sorry for her.

She cringed.  Since when had she started thinking of him as just  _ Luke _ ?  She still called him Master Luke to his face, of course, but somewhere over the course of the past few days he had become simply  _ Luke _ in her mind.  Maybe it was because she was so familiar with the stories about him that she felt like she knew him already, or perhaps because he reminded her of Cass in some ways.  Whatever the reason, she found herself feeling far more at ease with him than she had ever expected, and probably far more than she  _ should _ .  He was a Jedi Master, likely one of the greatest in history, and she was thinking of him as—

A sound from somewhere behind her jolted Ryn upright.  She held her breath, listening silently until she heard it again. It sounded like a child crying.  She stood and followed the path to the other side of a cluster of small trees, and there she found a young boy huddled on a bench, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees.  He sniffed, wiping his nose against the sleeve of his shirt.

"Hello," said Ryn softly, not wanting to startle him.  The boy looked up in surprise, but didn't run away as she had feared he might.  "It's all right," she said.  "I'm not here to get you in trouble."  She took a few careful steps closer.  "Can I sit with you for a while?"

He nodded, wiping his eyes, and slid to the end of the bench to make room for her.  As she sat down, a tree branch brushed against her hair, and when she reached back to move it out of the way a soft, faintly luminescent blossom broke off in her hand.  It was deep purple in the center with a glimmer of silver around the edges, and when she lifted it to her face the scent was cool and wintery.  

"It's beautiful," she said, holding it out so the boy could see.  "I've never seen anything like it."

The boy looked up at Ryn, his eyes red, cheeks tear-stained.  "It's a moonpetal tree," he said, sniffing again.  "I have one outside my bedroom window back home."

Ryn smiled.  "I can see why you chose this bench to sit on," she said, tucking the flower behind her ear.  "My name is Ryn, by the way.  I don't think I've seen you around."

"I'm Kaden," he said.  "I've only been here a week, so I'm not in any of the regular classes yet."

"You're still ahead of me," said Ryn.  "I've only been here three days."

Kaden's eyes widened.  "Really?" he said.  "But you're…"

"Old?" Ryn finished for him, laughing.

"No," said Kaden.  "I mean, you look about as old as my mom, and she's not  _ too _ old."

At the mention of his mom, Kaden's eyes started to tear up again, and Ryn felt a sudden rush of sympathy.  She had never thought of herself as someone who related well to children...but then again, she had never really had the opportunity to try.

"Tell me more about your house," she said. "Do you have your own room?"

Kaden nodded.  "My sisters have to share," he said, "but I have one all to myself, because I'm older.  It's all green, 'cause that's my favorite color, and I have a big window above my bed where the moonpetal tree is.  There's a lake down at the bottom of the hill where Mom taught me how to swim.  She was just starting to teach my sisters when I left."

"How old are your sisters?" Ryn asked.

"Leena is 5, and Sera just turned 3," he said. "I don't know if they really understood where I was going.  They cried when I left."  He bit his lip, clearly trying to keep from crying again himself.

"They understand more than you think," said Ryn gently. "They miss you, of course, just like you miss them.  But they're also…"  She swallowed, a sudden lump in her throat.  "They're  _ so _ proud of you. You're their hero.  They want you to do your best here, and work hard, so that you can go back and show them how cool it is to be a Jedi."

Kaden looked up at her sadly.  "But I don't feel like a hero," he said.

Ryn reached over and brushed the hair back from his face.  "Real heroes never do," she said.

"Unfortunately for us all, however, even heroes need sleep occasionally."

Ryn spun around.  Luke— _ Master _ Luke—stood in the archway, leaning casually up against the wall.  His voice had sounded stern, but he was smiling.  Beside her, Kaden jumped to his feet.

"Sorry, Master Luke!"  The boy turned and threw his arms around Ryn's neck in a tight hug; then, before she even had a chance to respond, he ran off through the archway and disappeared down the hall.

"Goodnight, Kaden," Luke called after him, laughing.

Ryn suddenly felt very self-conscious, dressed only in a knee-length nightdress and jacket, her hair most likely a tangled mess. She stood up.  "I'm sorry, too...Master Luke," she said.

"Don't be," said Luke.  "I'm glad you were out here—that's the most I've heard Kaden speak since I've known him.  You seem to have quite a connection with him."

He met her eyes briefly, but his expression was so intently focused that she couldn't hold his gaze for long.  It was almost as if he were looking  _ through _ her, studying something behind her miles away from where they were standing. It made her feel exposed somehow, and a little uncomfortable.  She dropped her eyes, and found herself wondering absently if the material of his shirt was as soft as it looked.

"I think I remind him of his mother," she said.

Luke nodded, his expression relaxing slightly. "Probably," he said.  "I met her last week when she brought Kaden - she's quite a remarkable woman.  Kaden's father left them a few years ago, so she's had to put up with a lot on her own since then.  I suspect that's also why Kaden has a harder time trusting men than women."

Ryn slumped back down on the bench.  "No wonder his sisters were so heartbroken when he left to come here," she said.  "They think he's never coming back, just like their dad."  

"I'm sure their mother won't let them believe that," said Luke, coming over to sit down beside her.

"No, of course not," she said.  "She'll tell them it's not true. But the fear is still there.  Once someone leaves you, for whatever reason...you're always afraid it will happen again."

Luke didn't reply, but without even looking up Ryn could  _ feel _ him studying her again. She wasn't sure why it bothered her so much; he was only looking at her, after all.  But it felt invasive in a way she couldn't describe, as if he were seeing something more, something far deeper, than just her face...

"What  _ exactly _ is it that you're doing, anyway?" she blurted out.  "Because whatever it is, you're not being particularly subtle about it."

Luke looked startled, but recovered quickly.  "I was just...getting a sense of your emotions.  Through the Force."

"Is that something you do often?  Because for future reference, if you want to know what I'm feeling, or thinking, you can  _ ask _ .  At least that way I have a choice whether to tell you or not."  She exhaled sharply and looked down at her hands.  "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have...that was…"

"No, you're right," said Luke.  "Being a Jedi, it's easy to forget that some things are best done the old-fashioned way...without the Force.  You were right to say something—I should have just asked, and I apologize."

Ryn nodded her acceptance.  "Even if I was right, though, you have to admit I probably could have been a bit less snarky about it."

Luke laughed, and the sound of it made Ryn smile in spite of herself. "I guess we both have some areas to work on," he said.  "But not tonight.  It's late, and I wouldn't be much of a teacher if I enforced curfew for some students but not for others."

"I suppose not," she said, getting to her feet. "And...thank you.  For being patient with me."

He smiled.  "Goodnight, Ryn."

"Goodnight, Luke."

As Ryn walked back down toward her room, she reached up to pull the flower out of her hair, but it wasn't there—she supposed it must have fallen out somewhere back in the courtyard.  She'd been thinking of pressing it in the pages of her book, but she would have to go back to get another one later.  It wasn't until she was back in her room in bed, tucked under the covers and nearly asleep, that something occurred to her.

She'd called him _ Luke. _

 


	9. Chapter 9

" _Rynette_ ," the voice growled from the other room, "bring those drinks in here."

Ryn hurriedly filled the last glass and put it down next to the others.  Her hands shook slightly as she lifted the tray and carried it in to her uncle's richly decorated office, where he and several other men lounged in a loose half circle of chairs.  It was supposedly a business meeting for her uncle's transport company, but judging by the snatches of conversation she'd overheard, not to mention the number of drinks the men had consumed in the last hour, Ryn had her doubts that any actual work had been accomplished.

Her uncle had his back to her as she came in the door, but one of the men sitting across from him looked Ryn over with a strange, hungry expression that made her want to drop the tray and run back out of the room.  Instead she headed for the table, hoping to set down the drinks and get out as quickly as possible, but in her rush she caught her foot on the leg of her uncle's chair.  The tray tilted in her hands as she fought to keep her balance, and two of the drinks slid off and landed right in her uncle's lap, splashing all over his undoubtedly expensive clothing.  She braced herself, waiting for the yelling to start.

But it never came.  After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence she risked a glance at his face and saw that he was smiling grimly.  Her heart sank.  She would have preferred the yelling.

"Please excuse me, gentlemen," her uncle said calmly, standing and taking the tray from Ryn's hands.  He set it down on the table, then reached over and clamped his hand around Ryn's arm, dragging her out of the room.

" _Stupid_ girl," he hissed as he shoved her up against the wall outside.  He reached into his pocket with his free hand, and Ryn heard the telltale _click_ of the extendable blade before he even pulled it out.  She closed her eyes, already cringing in anticipation.

"You know I only do this for your own good."  His voice was softer now, the words slurring together slightly as the effects of the earlier drinks set in.  "Better you learn now that life is cruel, especially for someone like you."  

He shifted his position so he was pinning her to the wall with one shoulder, then grabbed her wrist and pulled it toward him, twisting it until her palm faced up.  With his other hand he held the blade just below the crook of her elbow, the point a fraction of an inch away from her skin.

"Now," he said. "Don't move."

But Ryn couldn't help it.  As soon as the tip of the blade touched her skin, she flinched and jerked back toward the wall, sending a fiery shot of pain down the length of her arm.  Her uncle stared down at the thin line of blood, shaking his head in disappointment.

"Will you never learn?" he said, the hint of a smile on his lips. "Things would be so much easier for you if you would just _do as you're told_ ."  He released her wrist and leaned back, giving her an appraising look.  "Do you know why I've never used this on your face?" he said, holding up the blade in front of her.  "Because your looks are the _one_ decent thing the universe gave you, and I'd hate to damage that.  After all, you'll have to make a living somehow." He turned back toward the door.

"Cass _will_ come back for me, you know," said Ryn angrily, her hands curling into fists as the blood dripped down her arm.  "He promised."

Her uncle laughed. "You really still believe that?" he said incredulously.  "It's been four years, Rynette.  Either he found out that life is far more enjoyable without you, or he's gotten himself killed.  Either way, he's not coming back."  He took a step closer to her.  "You ought to be grateful I've let you stay here at all since he left.  The only reason I took you both in in the first place was because I thought he might prove to be a useful worker.  As it turned out, you were both worthless."

He turned and went back into the other room, leaving Ryn alone.  She slid slowly down the wall, her legs shaking too badly to hold her upright any longer.  She wrapped the bottom of her shirt around her arm to slow the bleeding, trying unsuccessfully to block out the voices that drifted out through the door.

"My apologies, gentlemen."  Her uncle's voice.  "Blasted girl can't do anything right." His chair scraped against the floor as he sat down.

"Why not just buy a droid to take care of these things, Roan?" said another man.  "It would be far more efficient."

"But not nearly as nice to look at," said a third.  There was a round of laughter, and the third man spoke again.  "How old is she now, anyway?"

"Fifteen," her uncle said.

"Shame," said the third man. "Still, in a couple of years…"

Ryn couldn't stand to listen any longer.  She forced herself to her feet and started toward her room at the other end of the house.  Her arm had already stopped bleeding.  That was one blessing in all of this—Ryn had always healed incredibly quickly.  No matter how deep the cut or how large the bruise, within a few days there was nothing left but a scar.  She always kept a bandage on for at least a week so Uncle Roan wouldn't get suspicious.  Once, early on, she'd taken it off too soon, and when he had seen the nearly healed scar he'd accused her of sneaking off to a medical facility for treatment.  It didn't seem to matter to him that the nearest facility with a bacta tank, even a small one, would have taken her hours to reach on foot, and he rarely let her out of his sight for that long.  She'd earned a matching scar for pointing that out.

Back in her room, Ryn pulled out the small box of medical supplies she had managed to collect, and as she cleaned and dressed the cut her mind strayed back to what her uncle had said about Cass.  He couldn't be right. Cass had promised her he would come back, and the only thing  that would make him break that promise would be if...if something happened so that he _couldn't_ come back.  If he was hurt, or imprisoned, or… _no._  He _was_ still out there somewhere, and they needed each other.  If he couldn't come back for her, then she was going to have to find a way to get to him.


	10. Chapter 10

The next few days at the Academy passed quickly for Ryn.  She continued training with Master Luke one-on-one, but he also started her in a few of the regular classes, so she had very little time to herself.  So far she'd managed to avoid running into Ben again, which was good, since she still had no idea what she was going to tell him.  She didn't exactly trust him, and was fairly certain that this training group he was involved in would not have met with Luke's or any other instructor's approval.  Still, the idea of extra training and practice appealed to her.  The more she learned, the more she wanted to learn, and even Luke's personal instruction wasn't proving enough to satisfy her newfound thirst for knowledge.

She walked down the hallway toward her room, still trying to work out what to do. As she passed the door to Luke's quarter's, Vala came out, shaking her head. She stopped when she saw Ryn.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you," said Vala quietly, gesturing toward the open doorway. "He's in some kind of weird mood today."

Ryn frowned.  Though she still hadn't known him long, she'd found Luke to be one of the most emotionally stable people she'd ever met.  "What do you mean?" she asked.  "What happened?"

Vala took her arm and led her down the hallway, away from Luke's door.  "He has me straighten up his office area sometimes when he's really busy with teaching. So today while I was cleaning I threw out some dead flower that's been sitting on his desk for days, and when he found out he acted like I'd intentionally murdered an Ewok or something."

Ryn's eyes widened.

"Okay," said Vala, "maybe he wasn't  _ that _ upset.  He didn't even raise his voice, really, but he got this strange, sort of distant look in his eye and started acting all melancholy.  He wouldn't even tell me why he cared about the stupid flower in the first place." She shrugged.  "Anyway, just thought I should warn you.  If you find any dead plants lying around, you'd better check to make sure he's not sentimentally attached to them before you throw them away."

She started to leave, and after a moment's hesitation Ryn ran after her.  "There was something I wanted to ask you about," Ryn said. "Or someone, rather.  A student named Ben….he never told me his last name."

Vala stopped walking and turned to look at her.  "Tall, long-ish dark hair?" she asked.

Ryn nodded.

"That's Ben Solo," said Vala.

"Solo? So he's Han and Leia's son?"

"And Master Luke's nephew, yes."  She tucked a strand of shiny black hair behind one ear, her eyes narrowing slightly.  "What did you want to know about him?"

Ryn debated asking Vala about the training group, but decided against it.  If the instructors didn't already know it existed, Ryn wasn't sure she wanted to be the one to tell them—at least not until she'd found out a little bit more about it for herself. 

"I was wondering...he offered to...to help me practice the things I've been learning."  It was  _ close _ to the truth, anyway. "Is he a good enough student for that to be worth my time?"

Vala took a deep breath.  "Ben is talented, yes," she said slowly. "But be careful.  Some of his ideas about the Force are misguided at best, and he can be very...persuasive.  Just stick to the things Master Luke is teaching you, all right?"

Ryn nodded, and after a brief hesitation Vala continued on down the hallway.  At the very least, Vala had confirmed her suspicions that Ben wasn't particularly trustworthy.  But she had also said he was talented, which meant extra training with him might help her to improve more quickly.  All she had to do now was decide which of those two things was more important.

 

* * *

  
  


"The vast majority of your work as Jedi will involve finding ways to avoid violent confrontation," said Luke. "You'll need to be as good, or better, with your negotiation and reasoning techniques as you are at actually fighting."

Ryn sat near the wall in a training room full of first-year students, most of whom were children or young teenagers.  She noticed Kaden sitting across the room, and he smiled when she caught his eye.  Luke and one of the other instructors stood at the front, introducing the evening's lesson.

"Part of a good negotiating technique for a Jedi is the ability to read others," Luke went on.  "Their emotions, their desires, and in extreme cases, their thoughts.  Obviously there are some serious ethical considerations involved in this—it's important to know when and to what extent it's appropriate to use the Force in such a way.  The goal is to never invade another person's privacy unless absolutely necessary."  Ryn couldn't be sure, but she thought she saw Luke glance over at her during that last part.

"We'll discuss the ethical side of things later, but for now I wanted to give you a chance to try it for yourselves.  Choose a partner and practice sensing each other's emotions— _ just  _ the emotions for now.  I've invited a few of the more advanced students in to help for today, so some of you will be able to pair up with them."

He gestured toward the back of the room, and Ryn turned to look.   A group of older students stood behind the rest of the class and, Ryn noted with a slight twinge of anxiety, Ben was among them. She turned quickly back to face the front.

"Remember, through the Force you are already connected to every living thing around you," said Luke, "and that includes your partner.  The connection is there; all you have to do is reach out and find it.  Choose your partners and get started—I'll be here if anyone needs help."

All around Ryn, students rushed to pair up with their friends.  She took a quick look across the room to see who might be left without a partner, but before she even had a chance to ask anyone she heard a voice behind her.

"I'm beginning to think you're avoiding me."

Ryn took a quick breath and steadied herself.  "And why would I do that?" she asked, turning around.

Ben stood there with his arms folded, smiling at her in a way that  _ almost  _ looked friendly.  "You tell me," he said, taking a step closer. "Or are you still too afraid to even talk to me?"

After her conversation with Vala, Ryn had decided that the best way to come to a decision about Ben would be to get to know him herself.  The last time Ben had spoken to her she'd been so nervous she'd hardly said a word; this time she was determined to follow his lead and see where the conversation went.

"If you're really such an  _ advanced _ student, why don't you figure it out for yourself?" she said.  "Surely you've got this emotion-reading thing down by now."  

He took another step toward her, giving her the same penetrating look that Luke had in the courtyard the other night.  His smile widened.  "You  _ are _ afraid," he said.  "But not just of me.  You're afraid of...of failing.  Of being worthless, living a life that means nothing.  You're alone, and tired, but you're also desperate to please…"  He exhaled sharply, and the smile disappeared.  "...him."

Ryn didn't need to use the Force to sense Ben's irritation—it was etched in every line of his face.  He took her arm and led her closer to the wall, putting himself between her and the rest of the class.  She caught a glimpse of Luke across the room, but he was focused on helping a pair of younger students.  The other instructor was nowhere to be seen.

Ben took a deep breath, apparently working hard to calm himself down.  "I warned you about him," he said finally.  "Skywalker.  He's not everything he seems to be."

"Why didn't you tell me he's your uncle?" said Ryn.

"Because it's not something I'm proud of," said Ben. "You don't know him like I do. You don't realize what he's trying to do to you...to all of us."

"Which is what, exactly?"

"He's holding us back.  Not letting us reach our full potential.  There's so much power in the Force, so many ways of using it that Skywalker refuses to teach because he's too afraid to use them himself."

Ryn frowned.  "You mean the dark side."

Ben shook his head.  "There is no dark or light side.  There's only the Force and those who use it.  The power behind it, the abilities it gives, aren't good or evil in themselves—it's how you use them. Skywalker doesn't trust us enough to let us make that choice for ourselves.  That's why we started the training group—to let people see what they're missing out on and make their own decisions."

"So why tell me this?" Ryn asked.  "Clearly you're not trying to recruit everyone to this group of yours.  Why not let me stay weak and ignorant with the rest of them?"

"Because you're too good, Ryn.  You're too talented just to waste it like that.  None of the instructors here will ever let you see the full extent of what you're capable of, but we can show you that.  We can help you make your life worth something."

Ryn looked at him carefully.  The sarcasm, the bitterness, the wry humor were all gone from his face.  His expression was earnest, almost pleading.  Reaching out to the Force around her, she found the connection between them and tried to open herself up to the emotions pulsing through it.  It was a strange sensation—she could actually  _ feel _ his emotions as if they were her own, and it took her a moment to distinguish between the two.  The anger and frustration were still there, even if they weren't showing on his face.  There was a genuine desire to persuade her, too, though she couldn't quite read the motivation behind it.  But there was something else, a deeper, more desperate desire hidden away beneath the others, just beyond her reach.

"There's something you're not telling me," she said, narrowing her eyes at him.

Ben smiled again.  "Of course there is," he said.  He put one hand on the wall above her shoulder and leaned in toward her, so close she could feel the heat of his breath on her neck. "It's always best to leave a little bit of mystery, don't you think?"

"Everything okay here?"

Ben straightened and turned leisurely around to face Luke. "You do keep a close eye on me, don't you?" he said. Then he paused, cocking his head to one side. "Or is it really  _ her _ you're watching so carefully?"

Ryn could just see Luke's face around Ben's shoulder; it was calm, betraying not a hint of what he might be feeling.  Without thinking, Ryn reached out and found her connection to Luke.  His emotions were far more controlled than Ben's had been, but she caught a flicker of anger and concern, along with something she couldn't quite interpret...guilt, maybe? But what would he have to feel guilty about?

"We're done here, Ben," said Luke.  "You can head back to your regular class."  Though the words were light, Luke's tone of voice made it clear that it was a command. Ben hesitated, as if he were considering a reply, but in the end he walked away without a word, giving Ryn one last smirk as he passed.

Luke watched as Ben left, then came over to Ryn.  "Are you all right?" he said.

Ryn nodded, avoiding his eyes.  It was difficult to look someone in the face when you'd just been poking around in their head without their permission—even though she hadn't sensed much, it still felt wrong.  

"I'm fine," she said. "We were just...talking. And we did complete the assignment."  More or less.

Luke looked unconvinced.  "Listen, Ryn, there's something I—"

He was interrupted by the sound of yelling from across the room.  Two of the younger boys had gotten into an argument, and by the looks of it were getting ready to tackle each other.  Luke sighed and started across toward them, throwing Ryn an apologetic look.  As soon as his back was turned, Ryn took the chance to slip out the side door and into the hallway.  She headed in the direction she thought Ben might have gone, and soon caught a glimpse of him rounding a corner ahead of her.

"Wait!" she called after him, running to catch up.  He stopped, turning to look at her with a curious expression.  "Just...give me one more day," she said.  "To decide, I mean.  I'll let you know tomorrow."

He nodded curtly.  "You wouldn't regret it, you know," he said.  "We can take you so much further than Skywalker ever would."  He reached out and gently lifted her chin with one long, thin finger.  "With a little help from us, you could be amazing."  

Ryn shuddered as he walked away.  There was no doubt in her mind—she didn't like Ben.  She also didn't trust him, not for a second.  But if he could help her…

Despite what Ben had told her, she was certain his group was, at the very least, dangerously close to the dark side.  Was it worth risking that just to reach her goal of becoming a Jedi more quickly?  Was it worth risking Luke's disapproval if he ever found out?  She didn't know.  But she had one more day to decide.


	11. Chapter 11

Luke was beginning to doubt the wisdom of giving a room full of adolescents an assignment focused on emotions.  He had only just separated the two boys and sent them both back to their quarters when a girl on the other side of the room burst loudly into tears.  It wasn't surprising—things like this happened every year—but he wasn't usually the one to have to deal with them.  He didn't often teach the beginning classes, leaving them instead to some of the younger instructors like Vala, but this term he had decided to take on a few of them himself.  He told himself it was because they were short on instructors, which was true, but he also knew that Ben had been right—he  _ was _ keeping an eye on Ryn.

He had sensed her leaving when he went to deal with the argument, and he couldn't say he blamed her.  He could tell something was bothering her, and that at least part of it had to do with Ben. Vala had told him about her conversation with Ryn earlier that day, and he'd made up his mind to ask her about it, but it looked like he would have to wait until later.

Luke ended the session a few minutes early to avoid any more outbursts.  When everyone had gone, he closed the doors, and with a few quick swipes on the touchpad locked the room for the night.

Back in the instructor's hallway, he hesitated as he passed Ryn's door.  He could knock and ask to talk to her now.  It was still early.  But something told him to wait, give her space for tonight—it might be better for her to sort through things on her own first, without his potentially unwelcome advice.

He continued on down to his own quarters, sliding the door closed behind him as he went inside. As he sat down at his desk, he automatically glanced down at the place where the flower had been sitting before Vala had thrown it away.  It had been foolish of him to keep it in the first place—he had picked it up that night in the courtyard thinking Ryn might have wanted it back, but as the days passed he kept finding excuses not to return it to her. As if, for some reason, he couldn't bear to part with it.

Regardless, it was gone now, so there was no point in dwelling on it.  He entered a string of digits on his holoprojector, and after a moment's delay Leia's face appeared in front of him in a flickering blue light.

"Luke!" she said warmly.  "How are you?" Her smile faded when she saw his expression.  "What's wrong?  Is it Ben?"

"No," he said quickly, forcing a smile.  "Well, partly…but that's not why I contacted you."  Leia started to interrupt, but Luke continued. "I just wanted to confirm the details of the mission next week."

Leia nodded, but even with the slight distortion of the hologram Luke could tell she looked suspicious.  "Right," she said.  "I'm going to have to push that back a day or two, actually.  Some things have come up here that I can't avoid.  I assumed the delay wouldn't bother you too much, since you didn't seem thrilled about going in the first place."

He shrugged. "I'm perfectly willing to go, if you want me to," he said.  "I just don't know how much help I'll be.  You're the politician in the family."

Leia rolled her eyes.  "I  _ told _ you not to call me that," she said. "And besides, you know as well as I do that this is as much about peacemaking as it is politics, and that's your area of expertise. The Khadreshi people have been at war amongst themselves for generations, and so far no attempts to bring peace have been successful.  At this point I'd almost be happy to leave them to it if it weren't for the fact that one of our main trade routes runs right through that system, and our ships keep getting caught in the crossfire."

"So what's the plan?" asked Luke.

"We're meeting with the heads of two of the largest factions, trying to negotiate a treaty. They're a deeply spiritual people—when they're not trying to kill each other—and they've always had a strong respect for the Jedi.  Just having you there should help give credence to what we're trying to do."

"We can certainly hope so.  As I recall, the last group that tried to help negotiate a treaty had to flee for their lives when the fighting started again midway through the negotiations."

Leia grimaced. "You heard about that too, huh?" she said.  "I'm hoping it won't come to that, but all the necessary precautions are in place, including a solid escape plan if things don't go as well as we'd like."

"Is Han coming?"

"No," said Leia. "Though he's not happy about letting me go without him.  He only agreed to stay behind because he knew you were coming." She shook her head.  "His intentions would be good, but you know Han.  The situation will be volatile enough as it is without adding him into the equation."

"True," said Luke, smiling.  "It would have been good to see him again, though.  It's been a while."

"Don't worry, we'll find some crazy adventure for the two of you soon enough.  I wouldn't mind getting him out of my hair for a few days, anyway."  She paused. "Now, what exactly is going on with my son that you're not telling me about?"

Luke sighed. "It's probably nothing serious, but Ben seems to have taken a particular interest in one of the other students, and I'm not entirely sure how to handle it."

Leia's eyes narrowed. "What sort of interest?" she asked. "Romantic?"

"That's just it, I'm not sure," said Luke. "Though I suspect he's more drawn to her abilities than anything else.  She only just started at the Academy this term, but she's close to 30, and has an amazing amount of potential.  It wouldn't be the first time Ben pursued a friendship with someone because of what they could do."

"And yet you're more concerned about it this time than when it's happened in the past," said Leia.

'Honestly, yes."

"Because you're worried about how Ben might try to use her abilities, or because you're worried about  _ her _ ?"

"Both," Luke admitted.

"Have you talked to her?"

"Not yet.  I'm going to, I just...haven't found the right time."

"Don't wait too long," she said.  "And Luke...be honest with me. Do you really still think there's hope for him?"

"I have to believe there is, Leia, though I'm starting to run out of ideas.  He won't listen to me anymore."

"Do whatever you have to," she said. "I mean it.  Talk to him, threaten him, manipulate his thoughts...anything."  
"Leia," Luke said sympathetically.  "You know I can't—"

"I know," she interrupted.  "I'm sorry, it's just...he's my son."

"I understand."

Leia smiled sadly.  "I'm not sure you do, actually," she said.  "But thank you for trying.  I'll see you next week, okay?"

The hologram winked out of existence, and Luke could feel an almost physical weight settling on his shoulders.  It wasn't that he hadn't faced situations like this before—it was simply part of his job—but even the most difficult of cases didn't usually create this kind of paralyzing indecisiveness.  Maybe it was because he cared so deeply for the people involved—his sister, who was terrified for her son; his nephew, moving ever closer to the dark side no matter what Luke tried to do to bring him back…

And Ryn.  He did care about her, despite having known her for so short a time.  More than anything he wanted to keep her out of all this, protect her.  He could sense that she had already had more than her fair share of difficulty in life, and he was anxious to spare her any more.  

But that wasn't going to happen if he sat back and did nothing.  He was going to talk to her tomorrow; that much he was sure of.  Now if only he could work out what to say.


	12. Chapter 12

"You doing all right back there, princess?"

Ryn managed a weak affirmative, but in reality she was feeling far from all right.  Her hands and arms ached from gripping the safety straps attached to the wall, and the combined smell of oil and rust wasn't helping her already-queasy stomach.  She hadn't been in space since she was two years old, but if this was how it always was she had no desire to spend enough time here to get used to it.

"Not much farther now," came the voice from up at the control deck.  " 'Bout another hour till we land in Republic City."

One hour.  She could handle one more hour after all the months it had taken to get to this point. She'd spent almost a year planning and searching before she had finally found a ship with a pilot willing to take her to the New Republic's capital on Hosnian Prime. Months of sneaking into her uncle's office to dig through data files and freight schedules, and at least a dozen wasted trips to loading bays in the early morning hours when she'd found ships heading for the capital but was flatly refused transport by their pilots.

Ryn closed her eyes against the flashing blue light of hyperspace that filtered in through the small transparisteel windows.  It was giving her a headache, on top of everything else.  She tried reciting the Jedi Code silently to herself to help take her mind off things—she knew it was silly, just a game she and Cass had played, but it always made her feel calmer somehow.  She had made it as far as "there is serenity" when something large and heavy slammed into her side.  Instinctively, she tried to jump backwards, but only ended up hitting the wall.  When she opened her eyes, she sighed with a mix of relief and irritation.

"You again?" she said, looking at the round, orange-and-white droid that was leaning at an awkward angle against her legs.  "I was positive you would stay put this time."

The droid didn't reply—it was switched off, as they all were.  Ryn was sure there were worse possibilities, but a cargo ship packed end-to-end with droids wouldn't have been her first choice for a ride. They kept coming loose from the holding rigs, and unless she wanted to be crushed by an avalanche of metal every time the ship banked, she had no choice but to try to secure them again. There were all kinds, everything from protocol and medical droids to the general labor variety.  Ryn wasn't sure what this one's function was, but his round body shape made him especially hard to keep in place.

"I almost wish I  _ could _ switch you on," she muttered as she maneuvered the droid back into place with her shoulder, moving on her hands and knees across the rough metal floor.  "It'd be nice to have some company back here, and you look friendly enough."  She secured the straps as tightly as she could, then slid back to her place against the wall.

One hour and two more droid repositionings later, the ship touched down on a landing platform in Republic City.  As desperate as she was to get her feet back on solid ground, when the hatch opened Ryn paused to give the orange-and-white droid a pat on the head. "Good luck, little guy," she said. "I hope your new owner treats you better than this trip has."

"Well, princess, you're on your own from here."  Ryn turned and saw the pilot climbing out of the cramped cockpit and making his way toward her around the army of lifeless droids. She hadn't told him her name, and he hadn't seemed inclined to share his, either.  He was a big man with a scraggly beard, and he walked with a slight limp on his left side.  His words were gruff, but not unkind.

"You'd best be on your way," the pilot went on.  "I'm not exactly licensed for passengers, you see, and the inspectors'll be along any minute..."

Ryn took the hint. She thanked him and started down the ramp, grateful to be out of the confined space.  But as soon as she set foot on the platform and looked up, she froze, completely in awe.  The city opened up around her, a vast landscape of gleaming metal and flashing lights unlike anything she had ever seen.  The tops of the buildings reached higher than she could see, swallowed up by the clouds, and everywhere she looked ships and speeders of all different shapes and sizes darted in between the metal structures.  It seemed like a miracle that none of them crashed into each other.

She took a deep breath, trying not to let the enormity of what she was trying to do overwhelm her. She wasn't sure what she had expected Republic City to be like, but this was more than she ever could have imagined. Just getting here had been hard enough, but finding a single person in a city this size?

It felt impossible.


	13. Chapter 13

Ryn woke early the next morning, already nervously anticipating her session with Luke.  Normally she looked forward to these sessions,  but ever since her conversation with Ben the day before her mind felt like a jumbled mess.  She also knew Luke wanted to talk to her about something, and she had a feeling she would find out this morning what that was.

After a quick breakfast she walked down to the training room, arriving about ten minutes before their scheduled time.  She'd planned to just wait for Luke in the room, but as she got closer she heard sounds coming from the open doorway and hesitated.  It hadn't occurred to her that someone else might have a training session in the same room before hers.  Curious, she took a few steps closer, recognizing the noises now as the hum and clash of lightsaber blades.  Ryn hadn't had the chance to train with an actual lightsaber yet, which, admittedly, was probably best for everyone involved, but she was anxious to see them in action.  She hugged the far wall and moved over until she could just see through the doorway, hoping they wouldn't notice her.  Obviously they weren't too concerned about privacy if they left the door wide open, but she didn't want to do anything to distract them.

It was Luke practicing with a student, an older teenage boy that Ryn hadn't seen before.  The student was good—impressive, even—but she couldn't take her eyes off of Luke.  He was....magnificent.  Every movement, no matter how complex, seemed effortless. It was almost as if he could anticipate the student's actions, to the point that he was ready with a counter strike long before the attack ever came. How could Ben possibly see this man as weak or limited in his abilities? Ryn had the feeling he could have been fighting ten men and still would have made it look just as easy.

Finally, with one last fluid motion Luke did a front flip right over the top of the student's head, landing lightly behind him.  Before Luke's feet had even touched the ground, Ryn saw the student's lightsaber fly from his grip and into Luke's hand, and the student's arms were simultaneously pinned to his sides.

The student groaned.  "Seriously?" he said.  "That's not even fair."  He seemed to be struggling against Luke's hold on his arms.

Luke laughed good-naturedly.  He switched off both lightsabers and tossed the student's saber back to him, releasing his arms just in time for him to reach out and catch it.  "That was good, Seylin," he said.  "Much better than last time.  Keep working on your awareness of what's around you.  The Force will enhance all of your senses, so don't just rely on your eyes.  Touch, hearing, and a sense of your opponent's mental state are just as important."

Seylin nodded, though he still looked disappointed by how easily Luke had defeated him.

"That's it for today," said Luke.  "You can come in now, Ryn."

Ryn was so startled by hearing her name that it took her a moment to process what he had said.  When she finally worked it out, she walked inside, passing the boy on his way out and trying her best not to look too guilty.  

Luke smiled at her.  "No harm in curiosity," he said.  "Well, not in this case, anyway."

Ryn shook her head, still slightly in awe.  "That was  _ amazing _ ," she said.

Luke ran a hand through his hair, which was damp with perspiration.  "I wish I could say it was still as easy as it used to be," he said. "But I guess age catches up with us all eventually."

Until that moment, Ryn had never really stopped to consider how old Luke was.  He couldn't be much past his mid-forties.  A few streaks of silvery gray were starting to show in his hair and beard, but to her they didn't make him look older so much as more dignified.  It suited him, she thought.

"Ryn?  Are you ready to get started?"

She hadn't realized she'd been staring until Luke spoke. "Right, yes," she said, shoving her thoughts aside.  "I'm ready."

They began with the mental warm-up exercises, as usual.  They were all exercises she had done before, and Ryn found herself growing fidgety and impatient as they worked through the familiar routine.  She was tired of repeating the same things over and over again, doing the same tasks a hundred times when she felt confident with them after only a few attempts.  The more she thought about it, the more irritated she became, until finally she was so distracted that she dropped two of the spheres they were working with.

Luke stopped and looked over at her.  "What's wrong?" he asked. "You've never had a problem with that exercise before."

"That's just it," she said.  "I've never had a problem with  _ any _ of these exercises before, and yet you're still making me practice them endlessly.  I'm not making any progress.  It's almost like you're trying to hold me back."

She realized after she said it that she had just quoted Ben's accusations nearly word for word.  It was harsher than she'd meant to be—she didn't really believe Luke would intentionally prevent her from making progress—but she was still too irritated to take it back now.

Luke sighed.  "Learning patience is a part of the process, Ryn," he said.  "Just because you're proficient at a particular skill doesn't mean you've mastered the principle behind it.  And speaking of patience, I spoke to Master Yevara this morning.  He told me you haven't been attending the meditation classes."

At any other moment Ryn might have felt guilty, but right now it seemed completely justifiable for her to have skipped those classes. "They weren't doing me any good," she said. "I can't just sit around doing nothing for hours.  It's torture.  And it's certainly not going to get me any closer to being a Jedi."

"Meditation isn't about doing nothing," said Luke.  "It's about improving focus, strengthening your connection to the Force, keeping your thoughts clear and making you more aware of your surroundings.  It's just as necessary as any other form of training, whether you enjoy it or not."

"Fine," she said, trying to calm herself down.  "I get it.  But how am I supposed to know when I've actually mastered the  _ principle _ of something enough to move on?  Obviously I'm not a great judge of that yet, because I would have started something new days ago."

"You'll learn to recognize it eventually.  But for the time being, that's why I'm here.  You just have to trust me, Ryn...and I hope you do."

Of course she trusted him...didn't she?  Luke was probably the only person in the galaxy that she really felt she  _ could _ trust.  He had never been anything but kind to her, and she had no reason to think he had ever been dishonest.  But still, Ben's words kept coming back to her, twisting and snaking their way into her thoughts until she began to doubt even the things she was most certain of.  It was making her head ache.

"I...don't know," she said, rubbing at her forehead.  A flash of emotion crossed Luke's face, and for a moment she almost thought he looked hurt.  "I don't know  _ anything _ .  I can't even think. I…"  She sighed.  "Just let me try it again."

He nodded.  Ryn reached out with the Force again and found the spheres, but she couldn't get her focus under control. Every time she tried to pick up a second sphere she dropped the first, until finally she gave up and let them both fall.  " _ Blast _ it," she said loudly, kicking a sphere that had rolled over by her foot.

Luke came closer and put his hand on her shoulder. "Ryn, are you—"

She shrugged him off. "No, don't. Just...stop.  I don't want you to worry about me, or feel sorry for me, or anything.  Please...I just need to  _ do _ something.  To clear my head."

She was afraid Luke might start in on the value of meditation again, but he didn't.  "Go outside," he said instead. "Take a walk, breathe the air, do whatever you need to do to calm down.  I'll be waiting here when you're finished."

Ryn didn't wait to be told twice. She bolted out of the room and ran for the main entrance, ignoring the curious stares from those she passed.  She burst through the doors, out into the warm, humid air, and kept running.

Her head felt like it was going to split in two.  Her thoughts and emotions were being pulled in opposite directions, and the worst of it was she didn't even understand why she was this upset.  She couldn't ever remember feeling so conflicted. She focused on the sound of her feet hitting the ground, hoping the steady rhythm would calm the turmoil in her mind, but if anything it seemed to make it worse.  Her head began throbbing in time with the pounding steps.

As Ryn rounded the corner of the building, her foot slipped on a loose rock and she fell hard, ripping the legs of her pants and sending a shock of pain through her knees and the heels of her hands.

And just like that, her mind was clear.

It was the pain that did it.  Pain was familiar.  Simple.  Pain itself had always made sense to her, even when the reasons behind it didn't.  But trust?  Vulnerability?  Those were complicated.  And if she was honest, they terrified her.

She got slowly to her feet, taking stock of the damage.  She'd had worse, but she still couldn't help wincing as she brushed the dirt and grit from her torn up knees.  She rubbed her hands against her pant legs and started back around the building, hoping the bleeding would stop before she made it back inside.

The fall may have cleared her head, but it hadn't given her any definite answers.  She wanted to trust Luke; she knew that much at least.  But what would that even  _ look _ like?  Trust was such a foreign concept to her now, something she'd abandoned all hope of having years ago. People either helped you or hurt you—you sought out those who would give you what you needed, and avoided those who would cause you pain...at least, as much as possible. But to  _ trust _ someone was so much deeper.  It meant putting your heart in someone else's hands, giving them all the tools and information they needed to betray you just because you believed they wouldn't.  She didn't know if she was ready for that.

That was the difference between Ben and Luke.  Ben didn't deserve her trust, and wasn't really asking for it.  Luke deserved it, and he wanted it...but she was afraid to give it to him.  Maybe, in the end, it still came down to who could help her more—though she hated the way that sounded.  There was a part of her that craved a relationship based on more than just usefulness, but was it really worth it, in spite of the risks?

She walked back through the entrance doors, and what had before been curious glances now turned to looks of alarm as people noticed her injuries.  She ignored them, and no one seemed concerned enough to say anything.  Was it worth the risk?  One way or another, she was going to find out.

* * *

  
  


Luke sensed Ryn returning even before she came through the door.  Her presence was always distinctive, but right now, with his thoughts already focused on her, it was unmistakeable.  She did seem calmer, but still on edge, as if the slightest provocation could set her off again.

His first thought when she walked in was to wonder how she had managed to do so much damage in such a short period of time.  She had hardly been gone ten minutes, but both knees and hands were scuffed and bloody, her clothes were covered in dirt, and most of her hair had come loose from the bun she had been wearing it in and now hung in tangled curls around her face.

His second thought, which he pushed out of his mind as soon as it surfaced, was that in spite of all that she still looked beautiful.

Her expression told him not to comment on her disheveled appearance, so he bit back the question he had been about to ask.  "Come sit down," he said instead, indicating a large metal box across from the one he was sitting on.  "There's something I need to talk to you about."

Ryn came over and sat down gingerly, obviously in pain.  Luke resisted the urge to be sympathetic, knowing it wouldn't help.  He took a deep breath.  Putting this off any longer wouldn't make it easier to say.

"I know what you said earlier," he said.  "But the truth is I  _ am _ concerned about you, Ryn.  I know there's something bothering you, and that at least part of it has to do with Ben Solo.  Whatever it is, whatever he's been telling you…"  Luke paused.  None of this was coming out the way he wanted it to.  "You need to know that Ben is in a precarious situation right now.  I believe there's still hope for him, but he's very drawn to the dark side, and...for now, at least, I think it would be best if you didn't get too close to him."

Ryn stared down at the floor, her face unreadable.  "And you give this lecture to anyone Ben talks to, do you?" she said.

"No," said Luke. "In most cases, it's not my place to tell students who to spend their time with."

"Just me, then?"

"You're…" He hesitated. "Uniquely talented, and I think Ben can see that.  I'm just afraid he might try to manipulate you, to use your abilities for his own purposes.  I don't want to see that happen."

Ryn nodded.  "I understand," she said. "It's good to know you're so concerned about my  _ abilities. _ "

"Ryn, that's not—"

"No, really, it's fine."  She stood up.  "I'm just glad to finally know where you stand.  The two of you really aren't that different, you know—you and Ben.  I'm starting to see the family resemblance. The only thing either of you cares about is what you think I can  _ do _ .  He does have one advantage, though—at least he  _ admits it _ ."

She flung the last words at him and stalked out of the room before he even had a chance to reply. He called after her, but she ignored him, disappearing down the corridor without so much as a backward glance. 

Luke sighed.  Regardless of his intentions, all he had managed to do so far was make a greater mess of things. Despite what Ryn thought, the problem wasn't that he cared too little; it was that he cared too much.  That was the reason he struggled to talk to her about things that should have been simple.  It was why he took her frustration too personally, something that, as a teacher, he had learned long ago never to do.  It was also why he had been so distracted lately that he had neglected his promise to Leia to do everything he could think of to help Ben.

For a moment he felt like that 19-year-old boy again, new to the Force and struggling to master his emotions.  He knew something had to change.  His responsibilities as a teacher and Jedi Master came first, and anything that compromised those couldn't be allowed to continue.

Sorting out his own feelings was one thing, but he still felt responsible for Ryn.  All he'd managed to do so far was push her closer to Ben, and talking to her again would likely only make things worse.  As much as it pained him, he realized it might be best for them both if he stepped back, for a while, and let her work through her own problems. She needed to make her own decisions.

Whatever the consequences might be.

* * *

  
  
  


Guilt and regret were already starting to creep into Ryn's mind, but she ignored them.  She was doing what she needed to do to take care of herself, just like she always had.  She had never felt guilty about that in the past, and there was no reason to start now.

Taking a deep breath, she pounded on the door in front of her.  After a moment, it opened.

"Well?" said Ben expectantly.

"I'm in," she said.  "Just tell me what to do."

 


	14. Chapter 14

Later than night, Ryn sat in her room, glancing at the chrono on the table every few minutes. Ben had promised to come get her ten minutes before curfew for the training group, though she still wasn't sure how they would manage to get outside without being noticed.

She had been telling herself all afternoon that she'd made the right decision, but she still couldn't get that final look on Luke's face out of her head.  She hated the idea of hurting him.  Even if he didn't care about her as much as she'd thought, he still didn't deserve the things she'd said.  But it was done.  She couldn't take it back now.

At exactly ten minutes till curfew, there was a knock at her door.

"Ready?" Ben asked as she opened it.

"Do I need to bring anything?"

"Not tonight," he said.  "Come on, we need to be quick."

He led her down one corridor after another, taking her to an area of the Academy she had never seen before.  She started to ask where they were going, but he hissed at her to be quiet.  Not until they had reached the end of a particularly long hallway and stood in front of a tightly closed door did he speak again.

"It's not hard to get past the security here if you know the tricks," he said, glancing at the chrono on his wrist.   "All the outside doors in the building are set to lock down exactly at curfew, sealed both inside and out.  If a door is left open when that happens, it will close and lock automatically.  But this door"—he indicated the seemingly ordinary metal door in front of them— "has a glitch. I'm the only one who's been able to make it work so far.  It takes practice to get the timing down, but if you do it right…"  He held one hand ready over the touchpad, staring intently at his chrono.  The moment the hour changed, Ryn heard the door lock start to engage, but Ben was already halfway through entering the code.  When he touched the last digit, the door responded with a whine of protest, then slid partway open and jammed into place.

"It's lucky you're so thin," Ryn muttered, looking skeptically at the narrow opening.

Ben didn't seem amused.  "Sometimes it works better than others," he said.  "Come on."

He slipped through the gap, gesturing for her to follow.  Even she had to turn sideways to fit through.

"What happens on the way back?" Ryn asked as she stepped free of the door.  They were at the back of the Academy grounds, near what looked like some sort of maintenance entrance.  "Sure, the door stays open, but aren't there sensors in the hallways?  Lu—Master Luke caught me out in the upper courtyard a few nights ago, and there's not even a doorway there."

"They're in most of the main corridors, yes," said Ben.  "But it's still possible to avoid them if you know where to go.  I'll show you later."

They walked away from the building, heading into the thick forest that surrounded it.  Ryn was just beginning to wonder if Ben could actually tell where they were going in the darkness when she heard voices up ahead of them.  A warm glow filtered through the trees.

The group sat around a fire at the edge of a large clearing.  There were four of them, three boys who looked to be in their late teens, and a small, spiky-haired woman probably closer to Ben's age.  The group looked up as Ben and Ryn approached, and most of their eyes were on her.

"This is Ryn Starling," said Ben.  "She'll be joining us."

One of the boys, short but muscular with close-cropped blond hair, raised an eyebrow.  "Is she here to train, or are you just showing off your new girlfriend?"

Ryn started to protest, but the spiky-haired woman beat her to it.  "Come on, Raiz, give her a chance," the woman said, getting to her feet.  "I don't look like much, either, but I can still take  _ you  _ any day."  She gave the blond-haired boy a not-so-gentle shove.

"She might surprise you," Ben said.  "I wouldn't have asked her to join if I didn't think she could handle it."

"Guess we'll see soon enough," the boy said.  He still looked unconvinced.  "Who's leading tonight?"

"Szeng," said Ben.  "We're doing Force-assisted fighting techniques—that's his thing."  He nodded toward one of other boys, then sat down on one of the logs they were using for benches.  Ryn followed and took a seat beside him.

The boy Ryn assumed must be Szeng stood up and moved out in front of the group.  He was tall, just slightly shorter than Ben, and his head was shaved except for a single dark braid that started just behind his forehead and hung partway down his back.  Ryn tried to listen as he introduced the exercises they were going to work on, but Ben kept making whispered comments in her ear.

"Have you ever done a Force push on another person?" he asked, his closeness making her shudder.  She shook her head.  "I thought as much," he said.  "Skywalker focuses mostly on manipulating objects with the Force.  He says if a situation comes up where you have to use the Force physically against someone, the same principles apply.  But that isn't true."

"Why not?" Ryn asked.

"Because objects don't fight back."

The rest of the group was getting to their feet and moving out into the clearing.  Ryn and Ben followed, though Ryn hadn't heard enough of what Szeng had said to have any idea what they were doing.  As they walked, she thought she saw a flicker of movement in the trees off to the left, but when she turned to look there was no one there.

Szeng stood in the center of the clearing, and the others fanned out in a half circle around him.  He looked at each one of them in turn, sizing them up.  "Come on, Raiz," he said finally, looking at the blond-haired boy.

Raiz groaned.  "Blast it, Szeng," he said.  "Why is it always me?"

"Because you can take the hit better than anyone else, and you know it," said Szeng.  "I'm not throwing Solo again, he whines too much."

Ryn choked back a laugh.  Ben didn't say anything, but she could sense him seething beside her.

Raiz reluctantly left the others and walked around to the far side of Szeng, leaving a wide stretch of the clearing behind him. Szeng stayed facing the rest of the group.

"The Masters here tell us that in order to have control over the Force you have to let go of your emotions, but not only is that impossible, it's actually a weakness.  You're just wasting something that could make you far more powerful.

"Those you fight in the real world will be your enemies.  If you're angry with them,  _ use it _ .  Put all of that emotion into your fighting.  For example—"

He turned around and called to Raiz.  "Never mind, Raiz, I'm skipping the illustration for tonight."  Raiz rolled his eyes, but seemed relieved.  He started walking back toward the group, but halfway there he was lifted off his feet and thrown twenty feet, landing hard on his back.

Ryn noticed a movement out of the corner of her eye. When she turned to look, she saw that the boy on her other side had his arm stretched out in front of him as if he had performed the push, but he looked as startled as everyone else by what had happened.  His eyes darted back and forth between Raiz and his own arm, and he didn't seem to be able to move.

Raiz jumped immediately to his feet, ready for a fight.  "What was  _ that _ , Tarson?" he shouted when he saw the boy with his arm raised.  "Too much of a coward to fight me for real, so you attack when I'm not expecting it?"

Tarson shook his head, still looking bewildered.  "No, I'm not," he sputtered.  "I didn't—"

But Raiz didn't give him a chance to finish.  With a Force push of his own, he sent Tarson flying even farther than he himself had been thrown.  Tarson landed just beyond the fire, but his arm passed through it as he fell, the flames burning through the fabric of his shirt and licking at his wrist beneath.  When he finally extinguished them, he looked up at Raiz, the confusion on his face replaced with a cold fury.  He made a grasping motion with his undamaged hand, and Raiz suddenly clutched at his throat.  Tarson slowly curled his fingers tighter, his mouth spreading in a satisfied grin.

"All right, space-brains, that's  _ enough _ ," said the spiky-haired woman, walking over and casually pushing Tarson's arm back down to his side. Across the clearing, Raiz gasped, desperately sucking in air to refill his lungs.  "You've made your point, Szeng," the woman said.  "Or were you planning to just sit back and watch while they killed each other?"

Szeng shrugged.  "You have to admit it was entertaining," he said.

The woman rolled her eyes.  "Can we move on to something else now?" she said.  "I think we all understand the benefits of using emotions for fighting."  She shot Szeng a look.  " _ And _ for manipulating people."

"Okay, okay," said Szeng. "I was going to focus on something else anyway."  He glanced over the group again.  His eyes fell on Ryn, and a smirk crossed his face.  "All right, Solo, if you think your girlfriend's so impressive, bring her over here and we'll see what she can do."      

Ryn bristled again at the term, and she noticed with some irritation that Ben didn't say anything to correct it.  She jerked her arm away when he reached out to try to guide her, then walked a few steps ahead of him all the way over to Szeng, whose smirk widened as he watched them.

"Ryn, wasn't it?" Szeng asked, taking her by the shoulders and leading her into position.  She let him, knowing it would frustrate Ben further.  "Solo, you stay where you are," Szeng said when he had her in place.  "I'll stand over here."  He moved out in front of her and to the right, so she was in between the two of them, facing Szeng but slightly closer to Ben.

"You won't always be lucky enough to be fighting only one person at a time," said Szeng.  "You have to prioritize the threats and deal with them in that order.  So let's say Solo and I are both trying to attack you.  He's closer, but imagine I have a lightsaber.  You're unarmed.  Who do you take out first and how?"

Ryn looked back and forth between the two of them.  The answer seemed obvious—deal with the lightsaber first, since that was the bigger threat.  But the more she thought about it, another idea kept playing at the edges of her mind.

"Why can't I take you both at once?" she asked.

Szeng raised an eyebrow.  "You  _ do _ like them ambitious, don't you, Solo?" he said. He turned his attention back to Ryn.  "It's possible, sure. But I'd be surprised if you could do much damage to either of us that way.  It's usually best to pick one target at a time, devote your whole focus to it, and then learn to transition quickly.  But hey, if you want to try it, go ahead.  I'm always up for a new experience."

The perpetual smirk on Szeng's face was starting to annoy her.  Ignoring it, she closed her eyes and focused on the flow of the Force around her.  It was becoming more familiar over time—the way it moved, always fluid and changing but still holding everything firmly together—and the more comfortable she became with it the more responsive it was to her commands.  It took her only a moment to find the connections to Ben and Szeng, and as she reached out to touch them she understood what Ben had meant when he said fighting a person with the Force was different than manipulating an object.  Even if the other person didn't plan to fight back, they still  _ could _ if they chose, and Ryn couldn't help but be aware of that.  And whether she liked either of them or not, she still didn't actually want to hurt them...well, not too badly, at least.

She tried to set those issues aside and think of this as just another academic exercise, but it was hard when she could sense a whisper of their emotions coming through the connections. Szeng seemed mostly amused, but Ben was an odd mix of frustrated and curious.  Both of them were relaxed, clearly not expecting anything to happen.

All of those things were distractions, but the biggest problem was that Ryn had never tried a Force push on  _ anything _ , person or otherwise.  Everything she had done with Luke so far had involved only slow, gentle movements, mostly lifting and holding.  She could imagine the necessary movement in her mind, but would it work?  

A harsh laugh cut through her concentration.  "No way is she going to do it, Szeng," she heard Raiz call.  "You'll be standing there all night waiting for nothing."

That was all she needed.  Dividing her focus again, she reached out with the Force and found Raiz.  He was farther away than the others, but the connection was still strong.  Drawing on the irritation she now felt for all three of them, she stretched out toward them and  _ pushed. _

The effect was instantaneous. Raiz's laughter broke off into a startled cry, and she heard a sharp grunt from Ben behind her.  She opened her eyes just in time to see Szeng crash into a tree at the edge of the clearing and slump to the ground.  She turned around to try to find Ben and Raiz, but couldn't see them anywhere.  Tarson and the spiky-haired woman stood where Raiz had been moments ago.  They were both staring at her, eyes wide, but whereas Tarson looked horrified, the woman looked absolutely thrilled.

"That was  _ insane _ ," she said admiringly, walking over toward Ryn.  "You've got to teach me how to do that—I'd love to be able to shut these idiots up like that once in a while. I'm Malia, by the way.  Mal for short."

"Thanks," said Ryn.  "But honestly, I've never—"

She was cut short when Szeng walked up next to her, groaning slightly and rubbing the back of his head.  "I don't know  _ what _ you are," he muttered, "but when we take over the universe I want you on my team."

"Told you she was good," Ben said from behind her.

"All right, I admit it," said Szeng.  "You were right... _ once. _  Hey, where's Raiz, anyway?"

"Over here!" called Tarson from the trees closer to the fire.  "He's out cold.  She got him, too."

Ben and Szeng turned to stare at Ryn. " _ Three _ at a time?" said Szeng.  "Not that I'm complaining, but why'd you take out Raiz, too?"

Ryn shrugged. "Because he didn't think I could do it," she said.  "I wanted to prove him wrong."

Ben grinned at her. "Well, you certainly did that," he said.

"I didn't mean to actually hurt him, though," said Ryn.  "Should we try to wake him up to make sure he's all right?"

"Nah," said Szeng.  "He'll be fine.  If he's still out when we finish I'll drag him back to his room.  It's his own fault for making fun of you, anyway."

Practice went on for another hour.  By the end of it, Ryn was completely exhausted, but she felt good about what she'd accomplished.  There were a few things that had bothered her—she wasn't sure how using your anger against your opponent quite fit with the Jedi Code, for instance.  The line "there is no emotion, there is peace" kept coming to mind.  Still, it did seem like her actions were more powerful when she drew on her emotions rather than suppressing them.

And regardless of how she felt about Ben, she found herself actually liking the other members of the group, once they'd gotten past their initial skepticism about her.  She wasn't sure what she'd been expecting, but they certainly didn't seem evil.  Their ideas about the Force were a little different than what she had learned from Luke, but they were still nothing like the Sith she remembered hearing stories about as a child.

Ryn felt a twinge of guilt at the thought of Luke.  No matter how much she tried to justify it, she knew he wouldn't be happy if he found out what she was doing.  That alone kept her from being wholly convinced she had made the right decision.  But she couldn't change her mind now.  If he found out...well, she would deal with that when the time came.

Ben took her back to her room after practice was over, showing her how to avoid the sensors in the corridors that would alert Luke to their presence.

"You were amazing tonight, you know," he said when they'd reached her room, keeping his voice low so as not to wake any of the instructors in the rooms nearby.  "I hope you'll be joining us again."

Ryn frowned at him.  "On one condition," she said. "Stop telling the others that I'm your girlfriend."

"I didn't tell them anything," said Ben, grinning.  "They came to their own conclusions."   He reached out and ran one finger slowly down the length of her arm. "And anyway, is that really such a bad thing?" 

"Yes, actually, it is," said Ryn, taking a step backward and folding her arms.  "I don't like people believing things about me that  _ aren't true. _ "

Ben's eyes hardened. "Don't you?" he said. "Then I suppose you wouldn't mind if Skywalker found out you'd gone behind his back to join a secret training group because you weren't satisfied with his teaching methods."

"You wouldn't dare," said Ryn.

"Why not?  It's true, isn't it?"

"And just how are you planning to tell him without implicating yourself and everyone else in the group?"

"Trust me, I have ways of keeping myself out of it.  As for the rest of them…"  He shrugged.  "They knew the risks when they joined.  I never promised we wouldn't be caught."

"So you're willing to betray them just to get me to...get me to what?  What exactly is it that you want from me?"

"I want you on my side, Ryn.  I had hoped it would be willingly, but if not...I'll do whatever I have to do to persuade you.  If that means betraying them, so be it.  You're worth that."

"Don't you mean my  _ abilities _ are worth that?"

"Is there a difference?"

Ryn shook her head.  "I  _ knew _ I should have listened to Luke," she said, more to herself than to Ben.  "Maybe my talent is the only thing either one of you are interested in, but at least he pretends to care."

"And do you really think he'd keep that up if he found out what you've been doing?" said Ben.  "You've only seen one side of him so far.  He's not always so patient."

She held up her hands and took another step back toward the wall. "How do I know that anything you're telling me—anything you've  _ ever _ told me—is true?  How am I supposed to believe anyone anymore?"

Ben came closer to her.  "I have never once lied to you, Ryn," he said.  "I told you you were talented, and you are.  I told you I could teach you things Skywalker never would, and I can.  So believe me when I tell you you have only two choices."  He pushed her hair back with his fingers and leaned down to whisper in her ear.  "Do what I want, or I will destroy you."


	15. Chapter 15

"Status unknown?  What does that mean?"

Ryn stared at the impassive metal face in front of her.  After hours of walking and asking what felt like a thousand people for help, she had finally found the records building in Republic City, but so far the droid at the information desk was proving less than helpful.

"Cass Starling," the droid repeated, the stiff, mechanical voice grating on Ryn's ears.  "Pilot.  Blue Squadron, 3rd Division.  Current mission: none.  Current status: unknown."

"I heard you the first time," Ryn hissed.  "Don't just tell me the same thing again.  I want to know what that  _ means." _

"Cass Starling.  Pilot.  Blue—"

Ryn was already halfway across the desk, trying to figure out what one could use to physically threaten a droid, when a pair of strong arms wrapped around her torso from behind and pulled her back down.

"Whoa, there, sweetheart.  Don't be too hard on poor 2KO.  He doesn't have many good circuits left as it is."

Ryn spun around.  From the amount of force they'd used, she had assumed the person restraining her was a man, but the voice clearly belonged to a woman.  She was even more surprised when she saw that the woman was well past middle-aged and carried a scuffed metal cane in her right hand.  Her hair was pulled back in a simple bun, which would have seemed perfectly ordinary if it weren't for the single streak of electric blue that ran through her otherwise silver hair.

"After all, it's not his fault he's outdated by twenty years and the tech department doesn't think we're important enough to need a replacement."  The woman released Ryn and walked around to the other side of the desk, where she pulled out a datapad.  "Now, dear," she said, "let's see what we can find out the old-fashioned way.  What was it you needed to know?"

"I'm looking for Cass Starling," said Ryn.  "He's a pilot."

The woman nodded, entering the information into the datapad.  As she scanned the resulting files, her expression grew more serious.

"You a relative of his, sweetie?" she asked.

Ryn swallowed.  "He's my brother."

The woman set the datapad on the desk and looked up at Ryn, her eyes full of sympathy.  "I'm so sorry, sweetheart," she said.

Ryn took a step backward.  She didn't want to hear this.

"The records are incomplete," the woman went on, "but about three years ago his ship went down on a mission over Geravar.  They never found the wreckage, which is why his status is still officially listed as unknown.  But I've seen plenty of cases like this, sweetie, and there's never much reason to hope.  You have to assume he's gone."

Ryn felt dizzy.  She wanted to scream at this woman to stop lying and just tell her where Cass was.  He must be hiding somewhere, maybe even in this room, and any moment he would jump out and surprise her…

She couldn't feel her arms, but she had the sense that someone was holding onto them, and it made her angry.  Why were they keeping her from him?  If she could only move, walk into the next room, the next building, she was sure he would be there. She tried to pull away and run for the door, but even the floor fought against her, tilting and sliding and throwing her backward, pinning her down with invisible weights. There were voices around her, saying things she couldn't understand because the roar in her ears was so loud it drowned out the words. She didn't want to hear them anyway; all she wanted was to get to Cass.  He was here, and he needed her.  She could almost hear him calling her, and she knew she could find him if only her eyes would open so she could see... 

 

* * *

 

When Ryn saw the rusty metal beams above her, her first thought was that she was still on the cargo ship on her way to Hosnian Prime, and that she had just woken up from some horrible, space-travel-induced nightmare.  But the surface beneath her was too soft, and she didn't feel the perpetual chill from the cold metal walls.  She wasn't on the cargo ship.  She was somewhere in Republic City.

And when she realized what that meant, she started screaming.

The door to the room flew open.  "Not again!  Shut  _ up _ , you crazy—"

Ryn froze mid-scream, her mouth still hanging open.  A short, sloppily-dressed man stood in the doorway, staring at her with disgust.

"Aha," he muttered, backing up out of the room.  His movements were unsteady, as if he'd been drinking.  "Hey, Minnie," he yelled down the hallway.  "The kid's awake."  Then, casting one last irritated glance in her direction, he staggered off.

The old woman from the records building appeared in the doorway, cane in hand.  "How are you feeling, sweetheart?" she asked.

Ryn slid backward so fast she fell off the side of the narrow cot she'd been lying on, the blankets tangling around her legs. "How am I—?" she said, her voice hoarse.  "How do you  _ think  _ I'm feeling?  I just found out that the one person in the universe I care about is...he's…"  She shook her head frantically, clamping both hands over her ears.  "No," she said firmly.  "Cass is fine, he's here somewhere, and he...he needs me.  He needs me, I have to—"

She felt the old woman's arms wrap around her shoulders, lifting her back up onto the cot.  Ryn fought back with every ounce of strength she had, but it didn't make any difference; the woman held her tightly.

"Let me go!" Ryn shouted.  "I have to find him, he needs me!  He needs me!  He—"  Her voice broke, and the sobs that had been building up inside came out in a rush.  She buried her face in the old woman's chest, tears pouring down her cheeks.  "He  _ needed _ me," she gasped.  "And I wasn't there.  If only I'd gone with him, maybe he would still...maybe he wouldn't have..."

The woman rubbed Ryn's back soothingly.  "There was nothing you could have done, love," she said. "Nothing would have changed." She sat with her patiently until the tears subsided, then took her by the shoulders again, holding her at arm's length. 

"Now," she said, "I'll give you your time to grieve, you can be sure of that.  But life is going to go on, and one way or another you're going to have to go on with it.  The best way to get back on your feet will be to have something to do.  Do you know where you're going to go from here?"

Ryn just shook her head.  Her only plan had been to find Cass.  Without him, she couldn't even conceive of the next day or the next hour, let alone plan what she was going to do with them.  The idea of life going on didn't make sense to her.

"I thought as much," the woman said. "But before we get into that, I suppose we ought to properly introduce ourselves.  My name's Minevra, but everyone here calls me Minnie.  From the quick look I took at your brother's records, I'm guessing you must be Rynette."

"Ryn," Ryn corrected automatically.  Cass had given her that nickname.

"Ryn, then," said Minnie, smiling.  "Ryn, I own the cantina on the lower level, along with most of the rooms up here. I know, not what you'd expect of someone like me, is it?  But I had to find some way of supplementing my meager income, seeing as no one around here will hire an old woman for more than a few hours a week.  I think they're all afraid I'll suddenly drop dead during business hours and ruin their spotless safety record.

"It's a bit of a rough crowd downstairs, as you'd expect.  Even a place as polished and gleaming as Republic City has a seedy underbelly, and this is where they come to forget their troubles.  But they respect me, and as long as I'm around no one will bother you.  I can't pay you much, but you'd have something to do and a place to stay."

Minnie stood up, leaning on her cane for support.  She reached down and put a gentle hand on the side of Ryn's face.  "Think it over, at least," she said.  "I won't expect an answer right away."  She took a long look at the room around them, sighing quietly.  "It may not be the best life, living here.  But it is a life.  Just remember that, sweetheart—you still have a life, and I think your brother would want you to make what you can of it.  Whether it's here or somewhere else, that doesn't matter.

"Just do what you know would make him proud."


	16. Chapter 16

Ryn had to drag herself out of bed the next morning.  The encounter with Ben the night before had left her feeling almost physically ill, and she'd hardly slept because of it.  It was her own fault for being so stubborn and not listening to Luke, but now she was trapped.  It wasn't so much that she wanted to leave the training group—despite knowing that Luke was probably right about her impatience, she couldn't help the craving for knowledge and purpose that was growing inside her, and this group was the only thing that helped to satisfy it. It was the fact that Ben was blackmailing her into staying, along with anything else he might want her to do, that bothered her.  She hated letting him have that power over her, but she couldn't bear the thought of Luke finding out what she'd done.  His disappointment would be worse than anything Ben could do to her.

She considered feigning sickness and skipping her session with Luke that morning, but after the way things had ended the day before she was sure he'd be suspicious.  She had no choice but to face him, apologize for how she'd acted, and hope he didn't pick up on the emotional turmoil going on beneath the surface.

She was running late, so she was surprised to see that Luke wasn't already in the training room when she arrived.  She sat down on one of the boxes to wait for him, but as the minutes passed, she grew more and more concerned.  Was he deliberately avoiding her because of how she'd acted?  She wouldn't blame him if he were, but it didn't seem like something he would do.  Had something happened?  How long should she wait for him?

"You do realize, my dear, that I could have killed you by now if I was so inclined?"

Ryn nearly fell off the box she was sitting on. She spun around and saw an old man sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor behind her, smiling serenely.

"Master Yevara!" she said, her heart still pounding. "How long have you been sitting there?"

"I was here when you arrived," said Master Yevara.

"But that's impossible," said Ryn.  "I didn't see—"

"A Jedi has ways of not being seen," he said.  "But one must also learn the focus to see that which others do not want them to see.  A focus, I might add, which would be greatly improved by the meditation classes you have not been attending."

Ryn winced.  "I'm sorry, Master Yevara," she said.  "I just...I wasn't any good at it.  I've never been able to sit still for that long."

"Do you imagine that every student who walks into my class is already a master of the art of meditation?" he asked.  "Because that is hardly the case.  You are not the only one to have struggled, Miss Starling.  You are not even the first to have tried to avoid my class entirely.  I am under no illusions that meditation is one of the more popular classes, but I confess I do consider it one of the most important."

Ryn looked down at her hands, unsure of what to say.  She knew meditation was important—Luke had certainly told her that enough times—but it still always felt to her like a waste of time.

"But that is a matter for another time," Master Yevara continued.  "Master Skywalker is unable to be here to instruct you this morning, and has asked me to take his place. He has told me what you have been learning, and, if you'll permit me, I would like to take this opportunity to satisfy my curiosity on a particular issue."  When she nodded, he continued.  "May I see your hands, Miss Starling?"

Confused, Ryn held out her hands, palms up. He took them, her pale skin a stark contrast to his, which was dark and leathery.  He traced one gnarled finger over the fading scars on the heel of her hand.  

"You were injured here just yesterday, I believe?" he said.

"How did you—?" said Ryn, startled.  "Did Luke tell you what I—?"

" _ Master _ Skywalker told me nothing beyond what he has been teaching you," he said, raising his eyebrows slightly. "I have a gift for sensing weaknesses and injuries in others, mental and physical, past and present.  I can tell that these wounds were recent, yet they are nearly healed.  You received no medical treatment for them?"

Ryn shook her head.  "I've just always healed quickly," she said.

Master Yevara smiled. "I suspected as much," he said.  "Individuals with your particular skill set—the ability to focus on and manipulate multiple objects simultaneously—are often gifted healers. And if the rumors I have heard are to be trusted, you are very gifted indeed."  He released her hands.  "Have you ever made use of this skill to heal anyone other than yourself?"

"I've never even intentionally tried to heal myself, let alone anyone else," she said.  "It always just happened.  Before I came here I'd never even considered that it might have anything to do with the Force."

"Try it now," he suggested. "Your hands have healed, but, if you'll pardon the observation, I believe your left knee suffered greater damage and has not yet fully recovered."

Ryn was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the idea that this man could probably map out a large portion of her life story just by reading her past injuries. She'd worked hard to keep certain things hidden about herself, and she wasn't ready for that to change.

"I suppose it's a fortunate skill to have, given how clumsy I am," she said, rolling up the left leg of her pants to just above the knee.  She hoped Master Yevara would attribute the large number of scars he was undoubtedly sensing to an accident-prone childhood, rather than suspecting anything close to the truth.

"Perhaps," he said.  "But not all wounds are physical."

He must have noticed her growing anxiety, because he quickly changed the subject, redirecting his focus to her knee.  "To knit together the fabric of the human body is a complex task," he said.  "As with any of a Jedi's skills, you must allow the Force to do the work through you.  Channel it, guide it, but also listen to its promptings.  The Force itself will show you how to accomplish the task, if you allow it."

Ryn stared down at her bare knee.  Most of the smaller scrapes had faded, but there were a few deeper cuts that were still scabbed and tender.  Still uncertain of exactly what she was doing, she closed her eyes and stretched out with the Force.

She found what she was looking for almost immediately. She could sense a brokenness, like a thin crack etched on the surface of her being.  Was this how Master Yevara saw her injuries?  Reaching toward it, she could feel her focus being pulled in multiple directions at once—the different layers of tissue and blood vessels, all connecting and reforming as she directed the Force through them.  The crack grew fainter, and one by one the divided strands of her focus drew back together until finally she knew she was finished.

The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was Master Yevara smiling at her.  Then he glanced down, and she followed his eyes to her knee.  The scabs were completely dried, and when she brushed them away the skin underneath was whole and new.

She looked up at him.  "Did I really do that?" she asked, amazed.

He laughed softly.  "Master Skywalker was right to be impressed by you," he said.  "I do not doubt we can expect great things for your future, so long as you stay on the right path."

Ryn's heart sank.  Distracted by her excitement over the healing, she had momentarily forgotten her present situation, but now it all came rushing back to her.   _ Was _ she still on the right path?  Or was she letting Ben drag her down with him by giving in to his threats?  How far was she willing to go to keep Luke from finding out what she'd done?

They spent most of the rest of the session going over the finer details of Force-healing.  He taught her how to recognize the type and severity of an injury by the way it felt through the Force, and, unsurprisingly, stressed the necessity of meditation in strengthening one's focus for the healing process.

"Practitioners of the dark side have long said that healing is one of the least of the Jedi arts, a specialty only for cowards and the weak-minded, but the truth is precisely the opposite.  To heal effectively takes more skill and focus than most other altering techniques, and the graver the injury or illness the more difficult the task.  A Jedi who tries to heal a serious injury without the proper mental preparation can do far more damage to herself than good to the individual she is attempting to heal.  And how does one achieve such mental preparation?"

Ryn sighed.  "Meditation," she said, a bit reluctantly.

"Perhaps you finally understand," he said.  "I trust I can look forward to your return to my classes next week?"

She nodded, resisting the temptation to roll her eyes.

"Excellent.  That will be all for today.  You may go."

She stood up, but Master Yevara raised a hand as she turned to leave.

"Just one more thing, Miss Starling, if I may. These scars that you carry...I think you will find them a lighter burden to bear if you do not carry them alone."


	17. Chapter 17

When Luke was absent from the basic skills class he normally taught that afternoon, Ryn was curious.  When she arrived at her session the next morning to find Master Yevara again waiting for her, she started to worry.  She hoped he wasn't sick or injured, but the alternative—that he was deliberately avoiding her—was almost as bad.  It was strange, she thought, that only yesterday she had considered skipping her session so she wouldn't have to see him, and yet the idea of _him_ avoiding _her_ put a knot in the pit of her stomach.

Master Yevara worked with her on Force-healing again, which helped to take her mind off things.  She enjoyed it, and more than anything she'd learned so far, it just felt _right_ somehow.  For the first time in her life, she was grateful for her clumsiness, as it meant she always had a ready supply of small cuts and bruises to practice on.

As the day went on, the worry crept in again, and it became more and more difficult to find ways to distract herself.  If Luke was angry enough to avoid her, how was that any different from how he would react if Ben told him what she'd been doing?  By her own stubborn impatience, she'd caused the very problem she was trying to prevent.  She briefly considered confessing to Luke herself, but would that be enough to free her from Ben? She shuddered, remembering his words. _Do what I want, or I will destroy you_.  She had the feeling he had a lot more in mind than just getting her in trouble with Luke, and she wasn't eager to find out what it was. For now, she had no choice but to go along with Ben, but she had already made up her mind that as soon as she saw a chance—any chance—of getting out, she was going to take it.

The following day was their end-of-week break day, which meant no classes to keep Ryn occupied.  She spent most of the day in her room, practicing the healing techniques Master Yevara had taught her on whatever minor injuries she could find.  She even managed to make a few of her old scars less obvious, though she wasn't able to make them disappear entirely.

There was a training group meeting scheduled for that evening, which she was both dreading and looking forward to, in different ways.  At least it was something to do, but it also meant facing Ben again, something she'd avoided since the night of the last meeting.

Since there were no classes that day, the meeting was scheduled earlier than usual, right after the evening meal.  Ryn had no idea whether Ben intended to meet her at her room again, but she didn't wait to find out, heading out to the clearing as soon as she finished eating. The others, except for Ben, were already there when she arrived. It wasn't dark yet, so they hadn't started a fire, but they all still sat on the logs around the fire area that seemed to be their usual gathering place.  Mal jumped to her feet when she saw Ryn.

"You have _no_ idea how glad I am to see you," she said brightly, giving Ryn a quick hug.  "It's so nice to finally have another member who understands the basic principles of hygiene... unlike this herd of banthas over here."

Behind her, Raiz snorted with laughter.

"That includes you, too, genius," Mal called back over her shoulder.  "You'd think he'd learn eventually," she said quietly to Ryn, simultaneously reaching backward and performing a twisting motion with her hand.  Raiz's laughter cut off suddenly as the log he was sitting on rolled out from underneath him, landing him flat on his back on the ground.  The other two boys burst out laughing then, and Ryn saw a glimmer in Mal's eyes that suggested she was considering doing the same thing to them.

"So tempting," said Mal slyly.  "But I'll resist.  It looks like everyone is here now, anyway."

Ryn didn't have to turn around to know what Mal meant.  She could already sense Ben coming up behind her.  He slid his hand over the small of her back, making every muscle in her body tense, and she had to fight the urge to pull away.  

"Ready?" he asked both of them.  He kept his hand on her back as they walked back over to the others.

Ryn gritted her teeth, forcing herself to stay calm.  She _hated_ what she became around him. He was turning her into someone she despised—a pitiful, spineless creature cowering at his feet in perpetual fear of what he might do to her.  Terrified to leave and terrified to stay.  That was _not_ who she was, not anymore.  So why couldn't she shake the feeling?

" _Please_ tell me we're doing something interesting tonight," said Szeng as they approached.  Ryn took a seat on the first log they came to, next to Mal, making sure not to leave room for Ben.  "I've been bored stiff with classes all week."

"Will mind control suit you?" said Ben, his lips curling in an unpleasant smile.

"Finally!" said Mal.  "That will come in handy when Ryn and I decide to make you four into our personal slaves."

"Hey, now," said Szeng teasingly. "I already claimed Ryn for my team, remember?  Taking over the galaxy and all that?"

"Okay, _fine_ ," said Mal.  "You can be on our side.  We can probably make do with three slaves, anyway."

"That's enough."  A flash of irritation came through in Ben's voice, but he quickly hid it.  "We need to get started.  We'll have to be back before curfew tonight or we'll be locked out here till morning."

"So what kind of mind control are we doing?" asked Tarson.

"You'll see," said Ben.  "Any volunteers for a demonstration?"

He scanned the rest of the group, most of whom, Ryn noticed, were suddenly very interested in the ground in front of them.  Finally, Mal rolled her eyes and sighed loudly.

"Guess it's me, then," she said, walking over to Ben.  "Bunch of cowards."

Ben waited until she stood in front of him before he began.  "One of the simplest mind control techniques is Force persuasion," he said.  "They teach it here as a defensive strategy,but it's far more useful as an attack.  With enough power, you can convince someone to do anything you want them to, even if it goes against their deepest convictions."

Mal raised an eyebrow.  "Such as?" she said.

Ben thought for a moment, a smirk slowly crossing his lips.  "Go over there and kiss Raiz," he said finally.

" _Excuse_ me?" said Mal, her face contorting in disgust.  "Not a _chance_ , Solo. Even the Force won't persuade me to—"  
"You will go over and kiss Raiz," interrupted Ben, his voice deadly calm.

"I....I will…" Mal's look melted into one of confusion, but she turned around and started walking toward the others.  When Raiz finally realized what was happening, he panicked.

"Hey, wait a minute!" he said, scrambling to his feet and looking around frantically for a quick escape route.  "I get it, you can make her do stuff, so how 'bout you make her _stop_.  Seriously, just tell her to—"

But Mal had already reached him. She froze him in place briefly with the Force, then grabbed his jacket with both hands and kissed him full on the lips.  As soon as Raiz could move again he tried to back away, but her grip was so firm that all he managed to do was pull them both down to the ground.

Szeng and Tarson roared with laughter, and even Ben seemed amused, but Ryn couldn't force a smile.  It wasn't funny; it was _horrifying_ .  The idea that one person could have such complete control over another, could manipulate them into doing _anything_...she couldn't even begin to imagine the consequences of that.  It was no wonder the Masters at the Academy were so cautious in teaching these things.

Mal finally got to her feet, and it was obvious she was in control of her own actions again.  Her face was flushed with anger and embarrassment, her clothes wrinkled and dirt-covered.  She wiped at her mouth with the back of her hand.  

"I'm going to _murder_ you," she said, glaring at Ben.  "No...no, better yet, I'm going to find the ugliest, smelliest, most disgusting creature in the galaxy, drag it back here, and make _you_ kiss it, just so you know how it feels."

Szeng and Tarson only laughed harder.  Raiz was still lying on his back on the ground, wide-eyed.  Ryn thought he looked slightly smitten.  

"Let me try it next," said Tarson once they had calmed down.  "I've got plenty of ideas for things to make Szeng do."

Szeng started to protest, but Ben cut him off.  "Not yet," he said.  "I have one more thing to demonstrate first.  Ryn?"  He held out his hand to her.  "Will you assist me?"

Every instinct she had told her not to do it, to turn in the opposite direction and run as fast and as far as she could.  But something still nagged at her, a tiny voice in the back of her mind.  What would be the point in running away?  Whether she stayed or ran, she was still under Ben's control.  And who was to say that what he might do to her for running wouldn't be worse than whatever he had planned now?  Fighting back her instincts, she reached out and took his hand.

"I'll go easy on you, I promise," he whispered, pulling her closer and putting his arm around her waist.  "As long as you behave."

Ryn couldn't help it—she flinched, taking a step away from him.  She tried to pull her hand free, but he held it tightly.

Szeng laughed.  "I don't think she's too happy with you, Solo," he said.  "I doubt even the Force could get her to kiss you right now."

Ben shot him an icy look, and he fell silent.  Ryn stared down at the ground, too afraid to look at Ben, but judging by the clawlike grip he maintained on her wrist she knew he wasn't pleased.  She waited, feeling his eyes on her and dreading the command he would give.

But the seconds passed, and still he remained silent.  The fear and anticipation was building to the point where she could hardly stand it.  She wished he would just do whatever it was he was going to, say the words and get it over with. Finally, frustrated, she glanced up at him, and was met with a look of such intense hatred that her breath caught in her throat.  He was going to make her do something horrible.  Or else something horrible was going to happen—she couldn't be sure which, or even if there was a difference.  The terror was coiling around her mind, constricting her thoughts and making it impossible to see anything clearly.  Her legs felt weak, and she started to shake uncontrollably.  Someone, somewhere, was in terrible danger, but she couldn't see who.  Was it her? Could it be Luke?

_Not Luke_ .   _Anyone but Luke._

Distantly, Ryn heard a scream—a long, drawn-out cry of pure agony and torment.  She pressed her hands against her ears, trying to block it out, but it only grew louder, echoing painfully inside her skull. Her knees buckled and she collapsed, hands still covering her ears.  She was pressing so hard that her fingernails dug into her scalp, but still the scream filled her head.

_Make it stop...please, make it stop…_

The world was falling down around her, on top of her.  She could feel the weight of it on her chest, pushing out the air from her lungs and suffocating her.  Her throat was raw.  And still, the screaming...tearing her mind apart…

_Make it stop…_

_Please, just…_

_Stop…_

_Stop…_

"Stop!"

The scream cut off abruptly, and only then did Ryn realize it had been her own.  She gasped, flooding her lungs with air.  The weight was gone, too, but she could hardly move; her whole body felt drained of energy.

"What do you think you're _doing?_ Can't you see you're torturing her?"  The voice was Mal's, and it was furious.  Ryn forced herself to open her eyes.

Raiz and Tarson each had ahold of one of Ben's arms, pulling him back despite his struggling.  Mal stood directly in front of him, the top of her head only reaching his shoulder.  "Well?" she yelled.  "Do you always treat your girlfriends like that?  Sick son of a murglak."

She turned around without waiting for a reply and knelt beside Ryn, her expression anxious.  "Are you okay?" she asked.  "What was he doing to you?"

Ryn couldn't have found her voice to speak even if she had known the answer.  Her thoughts were still too tangled, and everything felt so far away…

"It was Force fear."

Szeng's voice came from somewhere behind her, growing closer and louder as he continued.  She tried to comprehend what he was saying, but the words and their meanings kept drifting apart, slipping through the cracks.

"It's a torture technique, used to incapacitate your enemy during battle.  But to use it, unprovoked, on someone who wasn't even a threat to you…what in chaos were you thinking, Solo?  She could be permanently damaged, if not completely insane."

Ryn could feel the strength slowly returning to her limbs, though her mind was still in turmoil.  The fear lingered at the edges of her consciousness, just enough to make her uncertain of everything going on around her.

"We have to get her inside," said Mal.  "Take her to the medical wing.  Surely we can come up with some explanation that won't get us all thrown out.  We can't just leave her like this."

She laid her hand on Ryn's shoulder.  It was a gentle touch, compassionate, but at that moment it was like releasing a tightly-coiled spring.  Ryn jumped to her feet immediately, her body reacting before her mind had a chance to process the action.  Instinct was all she had right now, and instinct told her to run.

So she ran.  She ran, ignoring the voices calling after her, with no idea which direction she was heading or where she was trying to go.  Roots and fallen branches kept tangling around her ankles, sending her sprawling, but she never stayed down for long.  She had no plan besides getting as far away from the clearing as she could, so it was almost a surprise when she saw the Academy building looming through the trees ahead.

The door opened automatically as she approached, but the hallways inside were deserted.   She stopped in the middle of the corridor, holding her head in both hands.  Her whole body ached, and her legs felt like they could give out at any moment, but the worst of it was still in her mind.  Fear cast a dark shadow over every one of her thoughts, making it impossible to separate the truth from the terrifying lies it had created.  She searched in the blackness for something, anything, to hold on to, and only one word came to her mind.

_Luke.  She needed Luke._

Ryn found herself standing outside his door moments later with no memory of how she had arrived there.  Leaning against the wall for support, she raised her hand and knocked, praying he would come quickly.

But there was nothing but silence from inside.  She tried again, pounding on the door with both fists.  Nothing. She called to him, but her voice was so hoarse it barely came out as a whisper.  Why wasn't he answering?  He was in there, she knew he was.  He must be able to sense it was her.

Unless he wasn't answering _because_ he knew it was her.  Unless he was still angry, unless he hated her, unless he had found out the truth…

Ryn slid down to her knees, palms pressed flat against the cold metal.  " _Please_ , Luke," she begged.  " _Please_."  But he didn't appear.  She felt the darkness closing in around her again, her one ray of hope extinguished.  She would have to fight this alone.


	18. Chapter 18

Luke was already in bed when he heard the knock at his door.  He had been flipping through a document on his datapad, a history of the Khadreshi people, in preparation for his mission with Leia.  He looked down at his chrono.  It was only a minute or two before curfew, so all the students should have been in their rooms, and Vala and the other Masters didn't usually come to see him this late unless it was urgent.

The knock came again, louder this time.  He reached out with the Force and recognized Ryn's presence immediately, though it surprised him that she would seek him out after what had happened.  He stood, starting to pull on his night robe, then hesitated.  It would be unfair to ignore her, but he still believed he had made the right decision to avoid contact with her for a while—he only seemed to provoke and irritate her, and she had become too much of a distraction for him.

He reached out again, gently touching her mind, and was instantly overwhelmed by a wave of anxiety and desperation.  All thoughts of avoiding her cast aside, he threw on his robe and went to the door, stumbling over the code in his rush to unlock it.

"Ryn?" he said as the door finally slid open.  "What's wro—?"

But Ryn was nowhere to be seen.  Instead, Vala stood just outside, paused in mid-stride as if she had been walking past.  She stared at him curiously.

Luke leaned partway out the door and checked up and down the corridor.  "Have you seen Ryn?" he asked Vala.  "She knocked on my door just a minute ago, and I think something was wrong—she seemed upset."

"I haven't seen her since earlier, no," said Vala.  "She must have gone back to her room."

"Did anything happen at the meeting tonight that might have upset her?" Luke asked.

Vala cringed.  "Actually, about that...I sort of forgot to follow her to the meeting this time."

Luke closed his eyes. "Vala…"

"I'm sorry," she said quickly.  "I know you told me it was important. But she certainly held her own at the last meeting, so I'm sure nothing terrible happened tonight, either.  Whatever she wanted to talk to you about, it can probably wait until morning."

"No," said Luke.  "There was something...off about her, but I couldn't quite place it.  She was more than just upset.  Her mind felt...damaged, somehow.  Fractured."  He shook his head.  "No, this can't wait until tomorrow.  I need to go check on her now."

Vala held up her hand.  "Whoa, there," she said.  "You do realize what you're wearing, right?  Maybe you're a bit rusty on your social skills, but even you should know that knocking on a woman's door in the middle of the night in your pajamas is sending some pretty strong sig—"

"Fine," said Luke, exasperated.  "I'll change first, then go talk to her."

"But then  _ she  _ might already be in bed, and that's just as bad.  Let me check on her—I'll let you know if there's a problem."

Luke pushed the hair back from his face with a sigh.  "All right," he said.  "But if she needs to talk to me, or if you think something is seriously wrong, bring her back here."

"Okay, but—"

"No excuses, Vala.  Promise me you'll bring her here if she needs to see me."

"I promise."

"Good.  I'll wait here—come back and let me know what you find out either way."

Luke watched her go, hoping he was just being overprotective and had misread Ryn's state of mind.  More than anything he wanted to check on her himself, but he knew Vala was right.  All he could do now was wait.

 

* * *

 

 

Vala knocked on the door to Ryn's room multiple times, but to no avail.  She had suspected earlier that Luke was just being paranoid, but now she was beginning to wonder.  She could sense Ryn inside, and when she still didn't answer after a few more tries Vala finally entered the emergency override code to open the door herself.

Ryn sat on the floor, leaning back against her bed with her face in her hands.  She looked up, startled, and Vala's breath caught when she saw Ryn's face.  Her eyes were red and swollen, her cheeks stained with a mixture of dirt and tears.  Her clothes were filthy, too, and she had what looked like dried blood caked under her fingernails. As she came closer Vala could tell Ryn was trembling.

"Ryn, what happened?" said Vala anxiously.  "Master Luke sent me to check on you, but I didn't expect...are you all right?"

"Luke sent you?" Ryn seemed confused.  "But where was he when I...why didn't he come himself?"  Her voice sounded raw, a hoarse whisper that Vala had to strain to hear even in the quiet room.

"He was, um...busy," said Vala.  "But he wanted to make sure you were okay, and he said if you needed to see him, you—"

"Tell him I'm fine," Ryn interrupted, her tone suddenly cold.

"You are clearly  _ not _ fine," said Vala, "and I'm not going to lie to Luke.  Something happened to you, and I need to know what it was."

"Nothing happened.  I...I fell.  I went outside for a run, and I tripped.  Just tell him that.  I fell, but I'm okay."

Vala shook her head.  "Luke isn't stupid, you know.  He's not going to believe that any more than I do.  He sensed you outside his room earlier, and he could tell there was something wrong.  Something in your mind."

Ryn pulled herself unsteadily to her feet.  "If he sensed I was there, then why didn't he come to the door?  If he knew something was wrong why didn't he let me in?  Why wasn't he there when I needed him?"

"He tried, but—"

"Don't even try to make me feel better, Vala.  I already know the answer.  I know Luke despises me."

"Despises you?" said Vala incredulously.  "Luke is sitting back there in his room worried  _ sick _ about you.  He would have been here himself if I hadn't told him it would be inappropriate.  As it is, he insisted I bring you back with me if you still needed to talk to him."

For a moment Ryn looked as if she might believe her—her face lit up, and Vala saw hope in her eyes for the first time that night.  But it didn't last long. Her expression hardened again, and she turned her back to Vala.

"I don't need to talk to him," she said. "I already told you, I'm  _ fine _ ."

"Ryn…"

"I'm going to bed."

Vala could have put her foot down, insisted on taking Ryn to see Luke.  Maybe she should have.  But she didn't think forcing the issue at this point would do any good, and the last thing she wanted was to make her more upset.  Ryn didn't seem to be in any immediate danger—Vala couldn't see or sense any major injuries—so she nodded silently and left, already trying to decide what to tell Luke.

It was obvious  _ something _ had happened. Ryn's distress, the dried blood under her fingernails, and her general appearance made that much clear.  But what confused Vala the most was why Ryn seemed absolutely convinced that Luke hated her.  As far as Vala knew, Luke didn't really hate anyone, much less Ryn. In fact, there were times when Vala thought he might care for Ryn a bit  _ too _ much.

Like when his face fell the moment he opened the door and saw Vala standing there alone.  "She wouldn't come?" he said, not even trying to hide his disappointment.

Vala filled him in on their conversation, leaving out Ryn's comment about Luke despising her. When she had finished, Luke massaged his forehead. "I don't know what to do anymore, Vala," he said.  "I'm starting to wonder if I should still be doing this—any of this.  Every decision I make seems to be the wrong one, I can't get through to the students who need me the most, and I'm letting everyone else down in the process.  First Ben and now Ryn...I don't know, maybe I'm just losing my touch.  If I ever had it to begin with."

Vala looked at him sternly.  "Do you want my opinion?" she said.  "Actually, don't answer that, because you're getting it whether you want it or not.  You are  _ not _ losing your touch.  Honestly, it's good you make mistakes occasionally, because it's really annoying to be around someone who's  _ completely  _ perfect.  And not every decision you've made lately has been bad.  I think you've just let yourself get too...emotionally invested. Of course you care about all your students, but with these two...I mean, Ben is family, and whether or not you're particularly fond of  _ him _ , I know how much Leia means to you.  And Ryn...well, whatever the reasons, I can see that she's special to you."  

Luke looked slightly taken aback by that, but he didn't deny it.

"If you could just treat them more like you do the rest of your students, without taking their mistakes or bad days as your own personal failings...you have to let people make their own decisions, Luke.  Even when it breaks your heart."

Luke smiled sadly.  "If I had a credit for every time I've told myself that…" he said. "It's just a bit harder to actually put into practice, unfortunately."  He sighed.  "You're sure she'll be okay for tonight?"

Vala nodded.  "Just talk to her first thing in the morning.  Something happened tonight, whether she'll admit it or not.  You probably have the best chance of anyone of getting it out of her."

She stood up and started to leave, but turned back just as she reached the door.  "Oh, and Luke? I know what I said about treating Ryn like any other student, but...you should make sure she knows that you care about her.  I just think she might need to hear it right now."


	19. Chapter 19

Ryn couldn't remember a specific moment when she'd made the decision to work for Minnie.  For months after she'd found out about Cass's death, she hadn't had the presence of mind to make any decisions at all, and so she had simply stayed—stayed because she was unable to make the choice to leave.

She spent most of the first week in the room that Minnie was allowing her to use, staring out the window at the speeders passing by. But as time passed, she grew restless.  She was still grieving, but she was also starting to feel trapped in the tiny room.  Whenever she ventured out, Minnie was quick to find something for her to do—cleaning off a table, rearranging stock in the back room, or working in the laundry.  It helped to distract her, and at times Ryn even found herself enjoying the others' company—well, Minnie's, at least. The rest of them, workers and customers alike, were crude, thoughtless, and prone to violence, and Minnie seemed to be the only one who could keep them in line.  Everyone treated Minnie with a kind of respectful awe that baffled Ryn.  Some even seemed to be slightly afraid of her.  But what could a kind-hearted old woman possibly have done to earn such a reputation?

She didn't find out until several months later, when a new customer showed up and tried to pick a drunken fight with one of the regulars. Ryn had been carrying a tray of empty glasses back to the bar when a bottle of Corellian whiskey came flying straight at her head.  She ducked just in time, and when she stood back up she saw two men fighting across one of the tables, one doing his best to strangle the other.  The other customers looked on curiously, but no one stepped in to try to break it up.  They all seemed to be waiting for something.

"All right, gentlemen, that's enough."  Minnie's voice was firm, and a bit gruffer than usual.  The man being strangled glanced over at her nervously, but the other man—the new one—didn't even seem to realize she was there.  Minnie sighed and leaned heavily on her cane.  She lifted her free hand slowly in front of her, closing her eyes.  The room seemed to hold its breath.

After a second's delay, the new man's eyes widened in shock, his grip on the other man's throat slackening.  The space between the two men started to grow, and Ryn stared in confusion until she realized the new man was _floating_ up into the air.  He looked terrified, his feet scrambling in mid-air, arms waving as if he were fighting for balance.  He finally stopped just before he would have hit the ceiling, his head inches from the metal beams.

Minnie opened her eyes.  "I said, that's enough," she repeated calmly.  "If you can't obey the rules, you're not welcome here."  She dropped her hand, and the man fell to the floor with a crash.  He tried to jump to his feet, but his legs were tangled in the broken pieces of the chair he had landed on and he only managed to fall over again.  He freed himself awkwardly and sprinted to the door, the raucous laughter of the other customers following him out.

As the room settled down again, Minnie turned and headed toward the back room.  Ryn ran after her, sliding the tray she was carrying onto the bar as she went past.

"That was...you're…" Ryn stammered when they were both inside, still unable to believe what she'd seen.  "Are you a...a Jedi?"

Minnie laughed, a deep, rumbling sound that Ryn could almost feel in her own chest.  " _Stars_ , no," she said.  "I'm no Skywalker, child. I'm a Force-sensitive, but I've never been trained.  There was no place _to_ train when I was girl, no Jedi left at all that anyone knew of.  By the time young Master Skywalker started the Jedi Academy a few years ago I was too old and stubborn to care.  I know a few tricks to keep the locals on their toes, but there didn't seem to be much point in trying to learn any more than that at my age."

"Master Skywalker?" said Ryn. "You mean _Luke_ Skywalker? He has a Jedi Academy?"

"Of course he does, child—where have you been hiding?  It was the talk of the galaxy when he first announced it."

"Can anyone go there?"

"Well, people who are sensitive to the Force like you and me, I suppose.  There wouldn't be much in it for anyone else."

"So…" Ryn began.  "Wait, me?  But I'm not…"

"Don't you think I know a Force-sensitive when I see one?" said Minnie.  "I've only met a handful of them in my lifetime, but I can always tell.  It's part of the reason I asked you to stay here.  That, and you remind me a bit of my granddaughter before she...well, anyway. I thought you already knew."

Ryn was stunned.  "Cass always used to tell me I would be a Jedi someday, but...it was just a game.  He only said it to make me feel better when I was scared.  It didn't mean anything."

Minnie smiled.  "Maybe he had a bit of it himself, maybe he didn't," she said.  "It usually runs in families, but there have been exceptions.  Either way, he knew you well enough to see it in you, and he wanted you to see it, too.  It wasn't just a game, sweetheart.  He was telling you the truth."

Ryn still wasn't sure she believed her, but she couldn't get the idea out of her mind.  Of course it had just been a game...hadn't it?  She couldn't throw someone across a room with her mind or trick people into believing things that weren't true.  She wouldn't even know where to begin.  She had enough trouble just staying on her own two feet sometimes.

It wasn't bad as long as Minnie was around—no matter how many plates or glasses Ryn broke or how many times she dropped the boxes in the back room, Minnie would only smile patiently and help her pick up the pieces.  But Ryn dreaded the two days each week that Minnie still worked at the New Republic records office.  In her absence Stan, the man who had burst drunkenly into Ryn's room the first morning after she'd arrived, considered it his duty to take over her responsibilities. The problem was that his idea of "responsibilities" included hitting on every woman who walked through the door, drinking more than the customers, and making Ryn miserable at every opportunity.  One of his favorite games was to throw her a glass or bottle without warning, then fly into a rage when she didn't catch it.  He stood over her, glaring and tapping his foot impatiently, while she crawled around on her hands and knees picking up every last piece of glass.  Ryn usually spent those evenings pulling tiny glass shards out of the heels of her hands.

One night, after she'd been there nearly two years, Ryn finally snapped.  Minnie was away for a few days, helping to set up a new records office in another part of the city, and the shattered bottle at Ryn's feet was the third one Stan had thrown at her that night.

"Well?" he slurred.  "Pick it up, then."

Ryn leaned partway down, paused, and straightened again, her hands clenched into fists at her sides.  "No," she said.

Stan narrowed his eyes.  "What did you say?"

"I said _no_ ," she repeated.  "Pick it up yourself.  You're the one who threw it, aren't you?"  

She kicked the largest piece of the bottle toward him. It rolled and spun across the floor, but came to an abrupt halt when Stan lifted his foot and smashed it under his heel.

"Why, you little…"  He grabbed her roughly by the arm and dragged her toward the back room.  "It's time somebody gave you a lesson in respect."

"I'll tell Minnie about this when she comes back," Ryn gasped, trying to keep her footing. "She won't be happy.  She'll—"

Stan laughed harshly. "I'm not afraid of that old hag," he said.  "She knows a few tricks, that's all—nothing that will hurt me."

He shoved her ahead of him into the room, and she stumbled over a crate on the floor. He came in behind her and shut the door.

"Get up."

She  shook her head, crawling backward until she ran into the row of shelves that covered the wall.

"Get _up_."

He moved closer.  Ryn pressed her back against the shelves and heard the familiar _chink_ of glass behind her.  Reaching back, her hand closed over the neck of a bottle—part of a new shipment of Ebla beer she'd unpacked earlier that morning.  She pulled the bottle off the shelf and flung it at Stan, hitting him in the shoulder.  He grunted in surprise and pain, but it didn't slow him down for long.  She grabbed another bottle, and another, throwing them as fast and as hard as she could, but her aim was wild, and drunk as he was Stan still managed to dodge most of them.  When he finally reached her, he tore the last bottle out of her hand and pulled her to her feet.  

"One way or another, you're going to learn to _do as you're told_."

He spun her around and forced her up against the wall.  She wanted to scream, but her voice seemed stuck in her throat.  Not that it would have done her any good—the bar was closed, and most people in the area wouldn't have given much thought to a scream in the middle of the night. She closed her eyes and tried not to think about what he was going to do, but he was hard to ignore, pressed up against her with one hand gripping her shoulder, and the other…

_Make him go away.  Just do something to make him go away._

But what could she do?  She couldn't even _move_.  He was so much stronger than she was, and he had her trapped.

_Anything._ _Do_ anything. _Just make him go away._

Behind her, Stan flinched suddenly and froze in place.  Ryn tried to take advantage of whatever had distracted him, but he still held her shoulder too firmly for her to slip away.

"Oh, no, you don't," he said.  "You're not going any—"

His hand slid off her shoulder as his whole body jerked violently backward.  He stumbled, clutching at his stomach, then doubled over with a strangled cry.  Ryn stared at him for a moment, too startled by the sudden shift in events to move.  When it finally occurred to her that she was free, she ran for the door, but it wouldn't open—it was jammed somehow, or else locked from the outside.

Stan had fallen to the floor now, barely moving except for the occasional spasm that wracked his body.  Blood leaked from the corner of his mouth into a pool on the floor, and a horrible choking, gurgling sound came from his throat.

Ryn pounded and kicked at the door, but it wouldn't budge.  "Help me!" she screamed, praying there was someone, anyone around to hear.  She may not have been in danger anymore, but she felt more trapped and desperate than ever.  A man was dying on the floor behind her, and all she wanted to do was get out.

"Help me, _please_ ! Anyone! _Help!_ "

  


Ryn awoke in a panic, drenched in sweat with the covers tangled around her legs and thrown halfway off the bed.  She sat up, gasping.  It had been like this all night long—one horrible nightmare after another, with barely ten minutes of sleep in between.

She looked over at the chrono beside her bed.  It would be dawn soon.  It hardly seemed worth trying to go back to sleep again, especially when she knew it wouldn't last long.  She threw back the covers and dragged herself to the edge of the bed, pushing her damp hair back away from her face.  She would never make it through a day of classes like this.

She took a shower and dressed, though it took her twice as long as usual.  It wasn't just the physical exhaustion from lack of sleep—she felt mentally drained and emotionally numb.  The overwhelming sense of fear from the previous night had faded, and in its place she felt...nothing.  Just empty, disconnected. She couldn't keep hold of a single thought for more than a few moments before it slipped away from her; how was she supposed to manage any of the complicated exercises Luke would ask her to do? Or rather, _would_ have asked her to do if he were still teaching her.  She didn't know what she'd be able to learn now, or whether there even any point in continuing.  She wasn't much good to anyone like this.

The tiny room was starting to feel suffocating, the restlessness of her sleepless night still lingering in the air. Moments later Ryn found herself out in the hallway, though she had no memory of opening the door to get there. The corridors were nearly deserted, and she wandered for almost twenty minutes without seeing anyone; it wasn't until she reached the second level, near the students' quarters, that she heard a voice coming from up ahead.

"Just let me go, please!"

It was Kaden, and he sounded desperate.  She started to run toward his voice, but the next sound she heard made her stop dead, a horrible chill slithering up her spine.

"Why should I let you go?" Ben asked.

Ryn's heart pounded in her chest.  She felt dizzy, suddenly uncertain of where she was or why she was there.  Fear came flooding back into her mind, a cold, savage terror that tore through the hollow spaces of her thoughts and screamed at her to _run_.

_But no_.  She snatched at the last unraveling threads of hope and heard a child's laughter, saw a young boy's smiling face.

_Kaden. She couldn't leave Kaden_.

She took a step forward.

"You disobeyed me," Ben continued, sounding almost amused.  "This is your punishment."

Ryn reached the corner and leaned just far enough around to see the two of them at the far end of the corridor.  Kaden had his back to the wall, both arms pinned to his sides.  He didn't appear to be hurt, but Ben was clearly holding him in place.  Ben stood casually off to one side, arms folded across his chest.

"I don't have to obey _you_ ," said Kaden.  Ryn caught the sudden glint of a tear sliding down his cheek.  "You're not one of the Masters.  You're just a student like me."

Ben smiled.  "Not for long."  He reached out toward Kaden, and Ryn saw Kaden's feet lift a few inches off the ground.  He struggled, crying openly now.

"Let me _go_!" he said.  "Master Luke is waiting for me, I have to go home.  My mom—"

"Your mother isn't going to help you, you know."  Ben scoffed.  "If anything, I'm doing her a favor.  It's time her son learned to _do as he's told._ "

Something inside of Ryn snapped.  She stared at Kaden, the tears on his cheeks and the fear in his eyes, and saw instead another face, another child.  A young girl, cowering against the wall as her uncle leaned over her, light gleaming off the blade in his hand.  A woman, paralyzed by her terror and praying for the man behind her to leave.  So much of her life to this point had been dominated by fear.  But not anymore.

She stepped around the corner. "Let him go," she said.

Both Ben and Kaden turned toward her.  Kaden looked relieved to see her, but Ben seemed merely fascinated.  "You look terrible," he said, glancing her over smugly.  "Rough night?"

She ignored him.  "I said, _let him go_."

"Are you expecting me to just do what you say out of the goodness of my heart?  Or was that supposed to sound threatening?"  He lifted Kaden a few inches higher.

Drawing on the anger she was barely managing to keep beneath the surface, Ryn reached out toward Ben with the Force and _pushed_ , just as she had in the forest clearing.  He flew backward off his feet and smashed into the wall, releasing Kaden to the ground.

"Go, Kaden," Ryn said quietly.  She heard his footsteps pounding down the corridor, but she didn't take her eyes off Ben, still pinned to the wall a few feet off the floor.  His eyes were closed, and he groaned in obvious pain.  Tiny cracks spread through the wall behind him, bits of stone flaking off and falling to the ground.

But then his eyes opened, and the groans turned to a growl deep in his chest.  Ryn knew she had only seconds before he broke free of her hold.  She took a deep breath to prepare herself.  At least, she tried to—the moment she started to inhale, her throat constricted, closing off so tightly that not even the air could find a way through.  She dropped Ben immediately, and the second his feet hit the ground, he pounced.  Before she even had the chance to move or think, his fingers were around her throat and he had her pressed up against the wall beside the open door to one of the training rooms.  He had relaxed his Force-grip just enough that she could breathe, but with the added pressure of his hand it was still difficult.

"You really want to do this?" he snarled, his face inches from hers.  "You want to fight me, when you know _exactly_ what I'm capable of?  Or maybe last night wasn't enough for you.  Couldn't resist coming back for more?"

He was too close; his face shifted in and out of focus, features blurring into shapes she only distantly recognized—her uncle's eyes, Stan's crooked nose, the sly curve of Ben's mouth.  They were all the same, all three faces melded together so completely that she couldn't even begin to separate them. And so she did the very first thing that came to her mind, the one thing that all of them truly deserved.

She spat in his face.

Ben roared with anger, lifting her up with the Force and throwing her through the open doorway.  She landed on her heels, but the momentum sent her tumbling backward into a rack of training spheres, which spilled down around her.  She stretched out with the Force and picked up the sphere nearest her, hurling it at Ben as he came through the door.  He moved it effortlessly aside with a wave of his hand and kept walking toward her, eyes blazing.

But Ryn wasn't afraid.  She was angry.  Closing her eyes, she reached out to sense the area around her, finding all of the fallen spheres and pinning a piece of her focus to each one.  Ten...twenty...thirty...she lost count of their number, but it was enough.  Despite the strain of having her concentration pulled in so many directions, she managed to lift them all at once and send them flying across the room, every one of them aimed at Ben.

She looked up just in time to see his eyes widen as the spheres came toward him.  He didn't hesitate—he reached inside the coat he was wearing and pulled out a lightsaber, which flared to life in a vibrant streak of red.  He sliced neatly through the first wave of spheres, and Ryn could feel them being torn from her grasp as the two halves dropped to the floor.  But they were coming at him from both sides now; there was no way he could block them all.  Bringing his other arm up to shield his head, he held the lightsaber out in front of him and crouched low to the ground, charging toward her.  Most of the spheres went over his head or were cut in half by the blade of the saber, but Ryn managed to change the course of a few of them enough to hit him, knocking him off balance and slowing his progress.  Slowing it, but not stopping it.

Ryn knew there was a row of practice lightsabers on the wall behind her, somewhere in between the windows, but she didn't have time to check.  She held out her hand and reached out with the Force to the place where she thought they would be, holding an image of a saber hilt in her mind.  As soon as she felt something that seemed to be the right shape, she pulled at it, directing it back to her outstretched hand—

And activated it just in time.  A blinding flash of blue-green light shot across her vision, split a half-second later by a blaze of red as Ben brought his saber down onto hers.  The two blades clashed with a violent hiss and crackle, and she could feel the heat coming off of them in waves.  Ryn had never even held a lightsaber before, but she knew from what Luke had told her that the practice saber in her hands was designed to shut off when it came too close to any organic matter. She had a feeling the saber Ben was using was real.

Her arms were giving out, the two blades inching toward her.  She wasn't going to be able to hold him back for much longer, and if her own lightsaber came too close to her skin and deactivated, she'd be left without any defense.  With one last burst of her fading strength, she pushed back against Ben's saber just enough to roll to one side out from underneath him.  His blade glanced off her shoulder as she moved past, burning through the fabric of her shirt and sending a wave of searing pain down her arm. She bit her lip to keep from crying out, her eyes watering from the pain.  She had only just managed to get to her feet when Ben came at her again.  She brought her lightsaber up to block him, but her damaged shoulder couldn't take the force of his blow.  Her arm crumpled, bringing her own blade within an inch of her neck before the safety mechanism deactivated it.  She quickly ducked out of the way, narrowly avoiding Ben's saber, and felt the hilt of her own slide out of her grasp.

"You can't win, you know," he said, catching her lightsaber with his free hand. "But it seems such a waste to kill you." He switched off his own lightsaber and tucked it back inside his coat, tossing hers aside.  "I'll be getting out of here before long.  Come with me.  I'll train you myself, and you'll be ten times stronger than any of the so-called Jedi that have come out of this place. Come with me, and I'll forget any of this ever happened."

Ryn laughed wildly.  "Come with you?   _Come with you_ ?  Well, if that's my only other option, you might as well kill me, because I'd rather be dead than be your...your..."  Her face twisted in disgust.  "Your _plaything_."

Ben stared at her, stone-faced.  "In that case," he said finally, "you should know I plan to enjoy this."

He raised his hand, and Ryn felt her feet lifting off the ground.  She was flying backwards through the air, probably every bit as quickly as when Ben had thrown her into the room moments ago, but this felt different.  Adrenaline coursed through her; her thoughts raced and her heart pounded, and everything else around her seemed to move more slowly in comparison.  He was going to try to kill her, but she had all the time in the world to figure out what to do about it.

She looked at Ben's eyes, drifting slowly away from her; they were cold, heartless, and full of determination. Whatever he meant to do, he would do it without remorse.  She mentally traced her trajectory, her mind feeling clearer and sharper than it had in days.  He was pushing her straight for the window, and at the speed she was traveling she was sure to break right through it and fall to her death on the grounds below.  She didn't know of any way to slow herself down, so she would just have to make sure she didn't break through the glass and hope the impact alone wouldn't kill her.

Ryn reached out with the Force and touched the glass in her mind. There was so much of it—the window stretched from floor to ceiling, nearly a full two stories in height. She spread her focus out over the surface of the glass as evenly as possible, willing it to stay exactly where it was—

And then she hit.  The impact was harder on her mind than it was on her body.  The glass shattered instantly into a thousand tiny fragments, the cracks shooting out from behind her like a spider's web.  She was no longer just holding a single sheet of glass in place; she was trying to keep a puzzle together in mid-air while fighting the weight of her own body pressed against it.  As the glass splintered, so did her focus, each shard demanding its own individual strand of attention and pushing her mind to its breaking point.  She gritted her teeth, trying to hold them all in place, but one by one the pieces started to fall as her concentration unraveled.  She wasn't going to last much longer.

Her eyes were closed, but if anything her sense of hearing was sharpened.  She could hear the tiny _chink_ of the glass hitting the floor, the pounding rhythm of her heartbeat...and urgent voices, distant but growing closer.

Abruptly, the pressure holding her against the window disappeared.  She fell forward and hit the ground hard, a rain of glass cascading down around her. Her strength was completely exhausted, but the core of anger still burned within her, and it was that alone that brought her to her feet.  The room was in chaos—people, voices, emotions, all blurring together in a flood of senses.  But she could still see Ben.  His anger burned as brightly as hers.  And that was all she needed.

Someone was coming toward her, calling her name.  The world still moved slowly around her—she was hardly aware of what she was doing, but somehow her mind knew what to do.  She locked eyes with Ben, concentrating on the connection between them.

It felt almost like healing at first, but backwards.  Where healing had always given her a sense of peace and compassion, this only fueled her rage.  Healing brought order and restoration; now she felt only chaos.  But when she sensed his fear coming through the connection, when she saw him clutch at his stomach and crumple slowly to the ground, she knew: she wasn't healing him.  She was tearing him apart.

The voices near her grew louder, more urgent.  Someone grabbed her around the waist, tried to pull her away, shouted for her to stop.  But she couldn't stop.  The anger had taken her over, possessed her, controlling her mind and body alike.  And it wanted him destroyed.

Suddenly her connection to Ben snapped, sending her reeling with the shock of it.  She couldn't see him, couldn't sense him at all, as if an invisible wall had been thrown up between them.  The arms tightened around her waist, lifting her, dragging her away, and somehow she knew that the person behind those arms had been the one to break the connection.  

"Let me go!" she screamed.  She fought wildly to free herself, but the arms held her fast, carrying her across the room and out into the hallway.  "I should have killed him—I should have _destroyed_ him!  He has to pay for what he did to me!"

They were outside a doorway, and as her captor adjusted his position to reach for the touch pad, Ryn swung her arm up behind her, her elbow connecting with his face.  There was a grunt of surprise, and his hold slackened briefly; she started to run, thinking for a moment she was free.  But then the arms closed around her again, pinning her own arms to her sides this time.

She fought every inch of the way, hardly aware of her surroundings, hardly aware of _anything_ beyond the desperate need to get away, and the rage still blazing inside her, and the searing pain in her shoulder.  Her captor spun her around, and she fell back against something soft.  He leaned over her, hands gripping her arms to hold her down.  She twisted her body, still fighting to free herself.

"Ryn, _stop._ "

Her breath caught, and she fell still.  His voice was firm, commanding, but not angry.  He looked down at her, his eyes steady, expression calm.

"Luke," she breathed.  Her own voice came out sounding weak, desperate.  The anger melted away, leaving only the hollow, terrifying emptiness from the night before.  "Help me," she begged.  " _Please_."

He didn't ask any questions or wait for further explanation.  He seemed to know instinctively what she meant, what she needed.  He laid one hand gently on the side of her face, wearing the same intense gaze he had that night in the courtyard when he'd read her emotions.  Except this time it didn't make her feel exposed or uncomfortable; she felt safe.  Calm.  Her body relaxed, eyelids growing heavy as exhaustion washed over her.  She leaned into his hand, feeling the warmth of it on her skin, and for the first time in days fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

The first thing Ryn noticed when she awoke was the feeling of sunlight on her skin.  She hadn't woken up to the sun since she had lived at her uncle's house so many years ago—the one and only thing about her life there that she missed.  She was warm and comfortable, thick blankets pulled up to her chin, her head nestled on a soft pillow.

She rolled over onto her side without opening her eyes. She had no idea where she was, but she didn't want to think about that yet—she was too busy savoring the moment.  Whatever reality was waiting for her out from under those blankets, it couldn't be anywhere near this pleasant. She snuggled further under the covers, deciding that going back to sleep seemed like the best option.

"Ryn?"

All thoughts of sleep vanished from her mind. She opened her eyes and saw Luke sitting next to the bed, looking at her anxiously. He was dressed in a tan-colored shirt and pants, his dark brown robes thrown over the back of the chair.  

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"All right, I think," she said, glancing around the room.  It was slightly larger than her own bedroom, with the same stone walls and metal door as in the rest of the Academy rooms. The furniture was similar to her own, though the bed was larger, and the table and chairs present in her room were absent here. Late afternoon sunlight poured in through the window above the bed. "Where are we?" 

"In my quarters," said Luke. "I brought you back here after what happened and put you in a healing trance—you've been out most of the day." 

There it was—the unpleasant reality she knew had been waiting for her.  The events of the day came back to her in a rush, her thoughts clouding over despite the sunlight flooding the room.

"Ben…" she said.  "Is he...?"

"He'll be fine," said Luke quickly.  "He's in the medical wing. Between the bacta tank and Master Yevara's skill with healing, he should be back to full strength in no time."

Ryn brought her hands up to her face. "I nearly killed him," she said, horrified.  "If you hadn't stopped me, I—"

"Ryn, listen to me," said Luke firmly.  "This was not your fault.  You would never have been able to make rational decisions in the state you were in.  When I pulled you out of there, your mind was so broken, in such chaos, that I didn't even know if I would be able to heal you myself. I've seen the effects of Force fear before, but never…" He exhaled sharply, and Ryn felt a sudden surge of emotion coming through her connection to him.

She looked away.  "So...you know, then?" she said.

He nodded.  "Mal came and told me everything this morning.  After all that had happened, she didn't feel it was right to keep the training group a secret any longer.  Though, to be honest, I've already known about it for quite some time."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you myself.  But I knew how disappointed you would be, and I...I didn't know if I could bear that."

He sighed.  "I'm disappointed in a lot of people right now, Ryn—myself included.  But not you."

"But you _ should _ be," said Ryn.  "You should be furious.  I went behind your back to join that group, knowing you wouldn't approve.  I did things that went against everything it means to be a Jedi.  I was disrespectful, and stubborn, and I let Ben control—"

"Stop," said Luke gently. He reached over and put his good hand on top of hers.  "I don't ever want to hear you blame yourself for  _ letting _ someone do anything to you.  What Ben did is his own responsibility, not yours.  Mal told me she thought he had been manipulating you from the very beginning, possibly using Force fear in smaller amounts to make you afraid of him.  There's no shame in that for you, Ryn."  

He lowered his eyes, stroking his thumb across the back of her hand.  "I stayed away from you because I thought it would help.  I thought by interfering I was only making things worse, and maybe it would be better for both of us if I stepped back for a while, but...I should have been there.  I should have continued teaching you, and I should have just gone myself last night instead of trusting Vala to—"

"If I'm not allowed to blame myself for any of this, then neither are you," said Ryn.  "You're not any more responsible for Ben's actions than I am."

"But I am responsible for the safety of my students," he said.

Ryn looked down at Luke's hand, still covering her own.  She had nearly pulled away when he'd first touched her, more out of habit than anything else.  But his hand was so warm and reassuring, the gesture so full of kindness…

Slowly, uncertain of how he would react, she brought her other hand over and laid it on top of his, holding it in between both of her own.  "After the meeting last night," she said, "I was in such a panic, so confused and so terrified, that I couldn't even think clearly.  But through that whole time, my mind kept coming back to you.  Like you were the only thing that made sense. The only one who could help me."  She slipped her thumb underneath his hand and turned it over, tracing the tips of her fingers over the callused surface of his skin.  "I do trust you, Luke," she said. "Completely.  But you're only human.  You can't protect anyone every single minute of the day.  There's no point in even trying."

"There is sometimes," he said softly.  "There is with you."

Ryn could feel a blush rising in her cheeks, and her heart was pounding so loudly she felt sure Luke must be able to hear it.  "But why me?" she asked. "Why am I any different than anyone else?"

He laced his fingers through hers. "Because I—"

A shrill tone from the other room cut him off.  Luke sighed.  "I'm sorry," he said.  "I have to…"

Ryn nodded, releasing his hand.  He stood up and left the room, glancing back at her once as he went through the door.  The tone stopped shortly after he left, and she could hear him speaking quietly.

"Leia," he said.  "I tried to contact you earlier, but…"

"I got your message," said a woman's voice.  "What's wrong?"

Leia.  Luke's sister...and Ben's mother.  Somehow Ryn didn't think this was a conversation she wanted to overhear.  Pulling back the covers, she climbed out of bed and went quietly through to the other room.  Luke was leaning over his desk, his back to her, looking down at a flickering hologram of a woman's face.

"There was an incident this morning," Luke was saying, "between Ben and one of the other students.  They're both fine now, but—"

Ryn stepped out into the hallway, closing the door behind her.  She had never considered how hard this must be on Leia, how heartbreaking, to watch her son moving closer and closer to the dark side and not be able to do anything to stop it.  And Luke—Ben was family to him, too.  It was no wonder this was such a struggle for him.

She started down the hallway toward her own room. It was nearly time for the evening meal, but despite having gone all day without eating Ryn wasn't hungry.  All she wanted right now was a quiet place to think.  Her mind felt clearer since Luke had healed her, but it was still going to take time to sort through all the lies and confusion that had become tangled in with her thoughts over the past few days.

Especially when so much of that confusion was  _ because  _ of Luke. She could still feel the lingering warmth of his hand in hers, the firmness of his grip. Surely he was just being kind and encouraging...wasn't he?  But the way he had looked at her...almost as if…

"Master Skywalker's healing trance has served you well, I see," said a voice from behind her.

Ryn turned around.  "Master Yevara," she said. He was walking down the hallway toward her, smiling gently.  For a moment she thought he seemed taller than usual; then she realized this was the first time she had seen him standing up.  "Lu—Master Luke said you were healing Ben."

His expression stayed pleasant, but some of the warmth left his eyes.  "That is correct," he said, "though he is now recovering under the care of the medics."

"How was...how badly was he hurt?" Ryn asked.  "Master Luke just said he was going to be fine, but the way it felt when I attacked him…" She cringed at the memory.

"Master Skywalker was right in what he told you," said Master Yevara, "and I will say no more than he did. Some things are better left undiscussed."

Ryn hesitated. "He also said it wasn't my fault, that I wouldn't have been able to think rationally in that state, but I'm not sure that's true," she said. "I knew what I was doing to Ben, but I didn't stop.  I  _ must _ have known, because I…"

She trailed off, half-hoping that Master Yevara would stop her, keep her from saying the words she knew she had to say.  But he only stood quietly and waited for her to continue.  She drew a slow breath.

"Because I think I've done it before."

If Master Yevara was shocked or angry, he didn't show it.  In fact, his expression hardly changed at all, and she almost wondered if he had heard her clearly.  

"It was a long time ago," she went on, the words rushing out of her in a flood.  "It never occurred to me at the time that I had caused it; I didn't even know I could use the Force then.  But he...he wouldn't stop, and I was so afraid, I must have—"

"Walk with me, Miss Starling," Master Yevara interrupted calmly, already starting down the hall. Caught off guard, she had to hurry to catch up with him.  He led her through the corridors in silence, taking a slow, meandering path that felt to Ryn like they were going in circles.  

"Aren't you going to say something?" she said finally.  "Don't you want to know what happened?"

"You have already told me everything I need to know, my dear," said Master Yevara. "You were afraid.  That is enough."

Ryn stared at him, puzzled.  They came to a low stone wall that ran along the side of the corridor, separating it from an adjacent open area where a few small groups of students were gathered.  Master Yevara slowly lowered himself onto the end of the wall farthest from the students, gesturing for Ryn to sit down beside him.

"There is a reason why the Jedi have always stressed the danger of uncontrolled emotions," he said.  "Fear, in particular, has long been considered a first step on the path to the dark side.  Ben sensed in you a weakness for that emotion—born, perhaps, of past experience— and exploited it, no doubt hoping it would make you more submissive to his demands."

"It did, at first," said Ryn.  "But eventually it just made me angry."

"As he should have expected it would. Anger is a natural consequence of fear, though it is in many ways its opposite. Fear pulls one away from its object; anger drives one toward it. Both are equally destructive."

"So what was I supposed to do?  How do I control the fear instead of just letting it grow into something worse?"

"Fear has another opposite, another force that draws one toward something rather than pulling them away: compassion.  Some might call it love."

She frowned. "But isn't that still just replacing one emotion with another, even if it is more positive? I thought the goal was to suppress your emotions, both positive and negative."

"In certain situations, yes, they are a distraction that must be removed.  But then, you are assuming that love is nothing but an emotion, something to be controlled."

"Isn't it?  I thought that was why the Jedi aren't allowed to have romantic attachments."

"It is true that such relationships were forbidden in the past, but Master Skywalker has since seen fit to reverse that requirement. But the love of which I speak is not merely romantic in nature. It is far deeper than that.  Emotions are tempestuous, volatile, easily altered by a change in situation; love is none of those things. It is a steadfast and unchanging kindness, an attitude of selflessness best expressed in actions rather than words.  Jedi must  _ act _ with compassion even when they do not  _ feel _ it. 

"I am not in any way suggesting that you should not defend yourself and others when necessary. But even in combat a Jedi must fight with compassion, never cruelty.  Hatred will only ever bring division and strife; compassion brings unity.  Anger can only destroy, but—"

"Love heals," Ryn finished.

Master Yevara smiled.  "Yes," he said.  "Healing is always an act of love. But there are others as well, more subtle in expression.  Causing no more harm than is necessary to subdue your opponent is in itself an act of compassion."

Ryn lowered her eyes.  "Which is what I should have done with Ben," she said.

"I am not reprimanding you, my dear.  I do maintain, along with Master Skywalker, that you are not to blame for your actions of the past few days.  Fully-trained Jedi under the influence of Force fear have done far worse, often to the point of their own destruction. However, these events have made it even more apparent that you  _ must _ learn to control your emotions.  You cannot safely progress in any other area of your training until you have mastered this skill.  I blame myself, in part, for encouraging your study of healing when you were not sufficiently prepared for it.  

"You are truly gifted, Miss Starling, but you must realize that every gift has two sides, two ways of expressing itself. Today your emotions chose that side for you. With time, and some changes to your training, you will soon be able to make that decision for yourself."

"Will I still be studying with Master Luke?" Ryn asked.

"I suspect he will want to continue your sessions himself, yes—though the content of those sessions will now be different than it has been up to this point.  I trust you understand that this is done for your own benefit and safety, not as a punishment for your actions."

Ryn nodded.

"Good," he said, getting to his feet and patting her gently on the shoulder.

"What's going to happen to Ben?" she asked as he turned to leave.  "After he recovers, I mean."

Master Yevara's expression darkened.  "The Council has yet to decide his fate," he said.  "Ben will no longer be permitted to attend the Academy, that much is certain.  But neither can he be released.  It is a difficult decision, but not one with which you need concern yourself. Rest and meditation should be your only priorities for the next few days."

Ryn watched him move off down the hallway.  Meditation was the last thing she wanted to do right now, but she knew Master Yevara was right. And if it would help her make sense of what she was feeling—about Luke, about Ben, about everything—then it might even be worth it.


	21. Chapter 21

The conversation with Leia had gone about as well as Luke could have expected.  She was upset, of course, as any mother would be, but he had eventually managed to convince her that both Ben and Ryn were going to be fine, and that they would be kept under close supervision until Luke and the Council could officially address the situation when he returned from the mission. He was hesitant to leave at all, but Leia didn't seem to want to postpone again, and Master Yevara had assured him that everything would be well taken care of while he was gone.

That should have eased his mind, but it didn't.  Probably because his main hesitation was that he hated the thought of leaving Ryn so soon.  She seemed to have responded well to the healing trance, but the emotional trauma couldn't be dealt with quite so easily, and he wished he could be there to help her through it.

Luke knew she was more than capable of taking care of herself. But he kept seeing the desperate look in her eyes when he brought her back from the fight with Ben, feeling the delicate softness of her hand in his. He wanted so much to protect her.  It was all he could allow himself, no matter how much he might long for something more. She was still first and foremost his student, and he had already pushed the boundaries of that relationship farther than he should have.

He was packing the last few things for the trip when he noticed a light flashing above his desk.  It was the sensor for the upper courtyard, and he immediately guessed it was Ryn—she seemed especially drawn to that place, and after the abrupt end to their conversation earlier he thought she might have gone there on purpose, knowing he would find her.

He left the unfinished packing on the floor of his room and started up toward the fourth level, growing increasingly nervous the closer he came.  He told himself he had no reason to be—Ryn was merely a student breaking curfew, and he was going up to send her back to bed.  Simple.

But it wasn't simple, and he knew it.  

* * *

Ryn shifted her weight back and forth, the stone bench icy cold on the backs of her legs.  She wished she had thought to change out of her nightdress before coming up here.  Actually, she wished she had taken the time to think  _ at all _ .

After her conversation with Master Yevara, she had gone back to her room and spent the rest of the evening meditating—or at least,  _ trying _ to. Every time she succeeded in clearing her mind of emotion, a stray thought would slip out of her grasp and bring everything flooding back in again.  Most of the time it was something to do with Luke—she kept seeing his face and the way he had looked at her, his soft blue eyes mirroring the same conflicted desire she felt in herself.  She tried to push the thoughts out of her mind as soon as they appeared, but they stubbornly persisted, making it impossible to concentrate.

_ You can't protect anyone every single minute of the day.  There's no point in even trying. _

_ There is sometimes.  There is with you. _

_ But why me? Why am I any different than anyone else? _

_ Because I... _

Ryn opened her eyes. Because he  _ what?  _ She was struck by a sudden desire to talk to him, to finish the conversation they'd been having and find out what he had intended to say.  But it was late, well after curfew, and it hardly seemed appropriate to knock on his door at this hour when it wasn't an emergency.

That was when she had remembered the courtyard, and how Luke had found her here before with Kaden.  The problem was, now that she was here, the whole idea seemed ridiculous.  What did it matter what he had been planning to say?  At any rate, it was hardly worth getting him up in the middle of the night to find out.  She stood up and started toward the archway.  If she could just make it back to her room before he noticed she was there…

As she passed through the archway and rounded the corner, she crashed straight into someone coming the opposite direction.  She stumbled backward, thrown off balance by the sudden impact, but Luke reached out and caught her before she fell.

"Are you all right?" he asked.  His hands lingered on her waist for a split second longer than necessary before he quickly pulled them away. 

Ryn nodded. "Sorry," she said.  "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"What are you even doing out here?" he said.  "You should have been asleep hours ago. You must be exhausted."

"I...wanted to talk to you," she said hesitantly.  "But then I realized how late it was, and it wasn't anything so important that it couldn't wait until morning...I hope I didn't wake you."

Luke shook his head.  "I was still up," he said.  "And...well, I'm here now, so if you still need to talk…"  

He gestured toward the bench where she had been sitting moments earlier, and they sat down. Ryn pulled her jacket tighter around her shoulders. She could feel Luke watching her, waiting for her to speak, but now that he was here she didn't know how to begin.

"I...uh….Kaden," she floundered, landing on the first safe topic that came to mind.  "Is Kaden all right?  I heard him say something about going home."

Luke looked at her curiously. "Yes, he's fine," he said. "His mother is ill, so he's going home for a week or two to help take care of his sisters while she recovers.  I was going to take him myself, but Vala went in my place so I could stay here."

"That's good," said Ryn absently.  She looked down at her hands, tightly folded in her lap. Her jacket was starting to feel too warm, in spite of the cool night.

"Luke, I'm—"

"Listen, Ryn—"

They both stopped short, each waiting for the other to continue.  Finally Luke smiled.  "Go ahead," he said.

"I'm sorry I left earlier," she said.  "When I heard you talking to Leia, I just thought...maybe I shouldn't be there listening."

Luke sighed.  "Honestly, it was probably a good thing that Leia called when she did," he said.  "I came very close to saying some things that I know I would have regretted later.  As it was, I...I behaved inappropriately, as a Master and your teacher, and I apologize. It won't happen again."

Ryn felt as if all the air had left her lungs. She hadn't realized until that moment exactly what she'd wanted from Luke, but now it seemed so obvious.  She didn't want him to regret the things he had said or almost said—she wanted him to say all those things again and more.  She didn't care that he was her teacher, or that it wasn't appropriate, or that she was doing  _ exactly _ what she wasn't supposed to do by letting her emotions get the best of her. She wanted him to take her hand in his, to put his arms around her, to—

"...sure you're still feeling all right?"

Luke's voice snapped her back to reality.  He must have sensed her inner turmoil—it wasn't like she was doing much to hide it—but thankfully he didn't seem to know what she was thinking.  She took a deep breath, trying her best to pull her emotions back under control.

"Ryn?"

"I feel fine," she said.  "Just...tired, I guess."

"I'm not surprised," he said.  "Healing trances are effective, but still no substitute for a good night's sleep."  He studied her carefully.  "I know this hasn't been easy for you, Ryn.  And I can't promise it's going to get any easier, at least not right now.  There will be a lot of things we'll have to discuss, a lot of changes to your training.  All I  _ can _ promise is that I'll do my best to help you get through it.  When I get back, we'll—"

"When you get back?" Ryn interrupted.  "Where are you going?"

"Leia asked me to go with her on a diplomacy mission, to help negotiate a peace treaty between some warring tribal groups.  I'll be leaving first thing in the morning."

"A peace treaty?  Won't that be dangerous?"

"We've taken every precaution, but I don't foresee any problems."  Ryn noticed he didn't look her in the eyes as he spoke.  "I should only be gone for a few days. A week at the most."

"Just...be careful," said Ryn.  "And I—"  She bit her tongue.  She had very nearly said "I'll miss you", but she doubted Luke would consider that appropriate, either.  She tried again.  "I...I'd better let you get some sleep so you'll be ready in the morning."

He nodded and got to his feet.  As he stood, the moonlight fell across his face, painting his features with a pale glow save for one area around his left eye that stayed in darkness.  At first Ryn thought it was a shadow, but then a memory flashed through her mind—she saw herself being dragged down a hallway, fighting to break free, jabbing her elbow into the face of the person holding her…

"Luke...your eye," she said gently, standing up next to him to look at it more closely.  "You should have done something about that.  It looks terrible."

"It's hardly been the first thing on my mind today," said Luke with a half-smile.  "To tell you the truth, I'd almost forgotten about it."

"I could heal it for you, if...if you wanted me to," said Ryn hesitantly.  "Master Yevara has been teaching me, and…"

"It's only a black eye, Ryn.  It will heal in time.  It's hardly worth the effort of—"

"Please," she said.  "I'm the one who gave it to you in the first place.  Let me at least fix this one mistake."

He sighed, but didn't protest. She reached up and carefully laid her hand on the side of his face, fingers resting on the outside edge of the discolored skin.  His eyes fell shut at her touch; she hoped she wasn't hurting him.  A light breeze ruffled his hair, a few strands tickling the back of her hand. She closed her eyes.

She had thought it might feel strange, healing someone other than herself.  But she could see the brokenness in him the same way she had seen it in herself, the same thin lines running over the surface like cracks in stone. They were small, clustered tightly in one area, and it only took her a moment to divide her focus between the pieces and pull them together again.  When the lines had disappeared completely, she opened her eyes.

Luke's eyes were still closed, and the bruise had faded to the point that it was barely visible in the soft light.  His breathing was slow and even, and he looked so peaceful, almost as if he were asleep...

Ryn would try to tell herself later than she couldn't help it, that something about the look on his face and the cool glow of the moonlight  _ made _ her do it, but it wasn't true.  She could have stopped herself, could have lowered her hand and walked away...she just chose not to.

She trailed her fingers down the side of his face and onto his neck, weaving them into the feathery ends of his hair.  Standing on her tiptoes to reach him, she leaned forward, laying her other hand on his chest to keep her balance; then slowly, gently, she brushed her lips against his.  Luke tensed, the muscles in his neck suddenly taut beneath her fingers, and for a moment she was afraid he would push her away.  But he didn't move.  He seemed frozen, as still and silent as a statue in her hands. Finally she pulled back, and his expression was more conflicted than she had ever seen it—it was almost like he was in pain.

"Ryn, I…" 

She sank back down onto her heels, watching his face darken as the moon passed behind a cloud.

"I can't," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.  "I'm sorry."

The words were kind, but the finality of them settled like a weight in her stomach. 

"I know," she said. She slid her other hand down beside the one on his chest, tracing over the creases in his shirt.  "But I'm not sorry.  Maybe I should be...but I'm not."

Ryn let her hands linger for a moment before she stepped back, unable to meet his eyes. It took every bit of strength she had to turn her back and walk away.  

* * *

The whole display was sickening. Ryn's blind, obsessive adoration, and worse yet, Skywalker's pathetically noble refusal.  It was obvious Skywalker had wanted it—judging by the fact that he was now sitting slumped on the bench with his head in his hands like he'd just made the biggest mistake of his life—but that twisted Jedi morality of his won out in the end.

Ben shifted positions and rubbed at his side, wincing.  It still ached, despite the healing and bacta treatments.  It frustrated him that a student with so little training had been able to get the better of him like that, but in a way he was also pleased.  Her anger when she'd attacked had been palpable, and completely uncontrolled.  That, combined with her raw talent, made her extremely dangerous—which was exactly what he wanted her to be.

He waited until Skywalker left the courtyard, apparently still so distracted by his own thoughts that he failed to sense Ben's thinly disguised presence.  Then he pulled out a portable holocom from his pocket, an untraceable model he'd stolen from home before the term started. This was the reason he had come out here in the first place—the rest had been an unexpected bonus. The scene he'd just endured may have disgusted him, but it had also given him the very thing he'd needed.

He entered a string of digits on the holocom and waited.  After a few moments a man's face appeared in front of him.

"This had better be important," the man said. "I'm not here to listen to you complain about how much you hate it there."

Ben suppressed a scowl.  "I have it," he said smugly, glad to finally have something worthwhile to say.  "The information you ordered me to find.  I know Skywalker's weakness."

The man looked impressed, but still skeptical.  "Well?" he said. "What is it?"

"Her name is Ryn Starling."


	22. Chapter 22

"Ready, Artoo?"

The droid trilled affirmatively from his position aboard the rear of the X-wing. The lift above him swung slowly out of the way, having just finished settling him into place.

"Good," said Luke. "Do your best to keep me awake, all right?" 

He chuckled at Artoo's worried hum. "It'll be fine," he said soothingly. "You know where we're headed. Just take control if I drift off and wake me up in time for the landing."

Flying on two hours of restless sleep wasn't Luke's idea of an enjoyable trip, but by the time he'd made it back to his room the night before and finished packing, there had only been a few hours left until morning. Even then it had taken him a while to get to sleep; his usual mind-calming techniques had been only minimally effective, and he hadn't been able to keep his thoughts from drifting back to—

He stopped himself, pulling his focus back to the present. As unpredictable as this trip was bound to be, he couldn't afford to be distracted.

A loud, metallic _thunk_ came from the underside of the ship, and Derk Malik ducked out from beneath it, wiping his hands on a grease-stained cloth. Derk had run the Academy hangar bay almost single-handedly for years, despite Luke's repeated offers to hire him an assistant. Only in the last few months had he finally consented and brought in two young mechanics to help.

"She's all set," Derk said, giving the X-wing an affectionate pat on the hull. "Ready for anything you can throw at her."

"Thanks," said Luke. He pulled on his gloves. "Did you run a full check on the weapons systems?"

"Twice. They're solid."

Luke nodded. "I hope I won't need them, but it's good to know they're ready just in case."

A young man Luke recognized as one of the recently hired assistants walked toward them, but he stopped a few feet away, twisting one foot nervously on the floor.

"Uh...sir?" he said, looking at Derk.

"Well?" said Derk. "You find it?"

The boy shook his head. "No, sir," he said. "It's not listed in the log as having been signed out, but it's not where it's supposed to be, either."

"Keep looking. I'll be over in a minute." Derk sighed as the boy walked away. "Nice enough kids, those two," he said to Luke, "but I don't think either of them could find their own aft end in a crate full of electrospanners."

"What's missing?" Luke asked.

"Probably nothing. One of the landspeeders isn't in its usual spot, but I'm sure it's around here somewhere. Sign-in procedures always get a bit sloppy when I take a night off. Anyway, nothing for you to be concerned about."

"I'll leave you to it, then," said Luke, pulling himself up the ladder to the cockpit. "Master Yevara is in charge while I'm gone, so if it turns out to be a problem you can take it to him."

"Will do, boss," said Derk. "Safe journey."

Luke settled himself into the seat, still fighting to keep thoughts of Ryn out of his mind. With Ben still recovering and kept under close guard, there was no reason to be concerned about her safety while he was gone. As far as what to do about the events of the previous night...

Well, that part was going to be more complicated.

***

For a few blissful seconds after she awoke, Ryn had only a hazy, dreamlike memory of the night before. Vague impressions drifted in and out of focus—the subtle sweetness of the flowering trees, the pale wash of moonlight on her skin, a pleasant fluttering in her stomach as her fingers threaded into Luke's hair…

Then reality hit. She groaned, burying her face deeper into her pillow. What in _space_ had she been thinking? She once again found herself grateful for Luke's seemingly inexhaustible patience with her. Perhaps he was just used to it—surely there had been plenty of other female students in the past who had been drawn to his kindness and warmth. But an innocent crush was one thing. Actually _kissing_ him? She pressed the sides of the pillow over her ears, wishing she could block out Luke's words, which were playing on a continuous loop in her head.

_Ryn, I...I can't. I'm sorry._

_Ryn…_

"Ryn!"

She sat up. Someone was pounding on the door to her room. But that wasn't Luke's voice; it sounded like—

Vala burst through the door, looking frantic.

"Ryn? Are you—?" Vala slumped against the wall in relief when she saw her. "Oh, thank the stars," she said. "I thought maybe he had...well, never mind. Listen, just stay in here, okay? And, uh…lock the door."

"What's going on?" Ryn asked.

But Vala was already back out in the hall. Ryn scrambled out of bed after her, slipping through the open doorway just as Vala reached to close it.

"Vala, what's going on?" she repeated, grabbing hold of her arm. "What happened?"

"What part of 'stay in your room' are you having trouble understanding?" Vala hissed.

Ryn let go of her arm, stunned. She had never seen Vala like this before—not just frustrated, but angry, and underneath that... _afraid_. 

"I'm not going back inside until you tell me what's wrong," said Ryn, as calmly as she could manage. "What are you so afraid of?"

Vala sighed and pulled her back into the room, sliding the door closed behind them.

"Ben's gone," she said.

Ryn's stomach turned over. "Gone?" she said. "Gone, as in...?"

"Gone, as in _missing_ ," said Vala. "I thought he might have come after you, so this was the first place I checked."

"How did he even get out of the medical wing? Wasn't someone guarding him?"

"There were two guards, neither of which had the slightest idea he was gone," said Vala impatiently. "I'd blame it on incompetence, but Luke chose those two himself because they're the best we have. Ben must have had help, somehow. He couldn't have done this on his own."

"Does Luke know?"

Vala shook her head. "He's already gone. I think he stopped to talk to the guards before he left, and they told him everything was fine. But of course everything _wasn't_ fine, and now we don't even know how long he's been gone…" She pressed her hands against the sides of her head.

"Shouldn't we—?" Ryn began, but Vala cut her off.

" _We_ aren't doing anything," she said, dropping her hands. " _You_ are staying here, with the door locked, and _I_ am going to find Master Yevara. I know you want to help, but you're still just a student...and besides, Luke would never forgive me if I let anything happen to you while he was gone. Got it?"

She didn't wait around for a response, but darted back out into the hall, closing the door behind her. Ryn went over to lock it, but hesitated. Ben could have been gone for hours by this point, and anyway, if he did want to get to her, she had a feeling that something as simple as a locked door wouldn't be enough to deter him. 

She dressed quickly, and, after waiting a few more minutes to make sure Vala was nowhere nearby, slipped out into the hall. She wasn't going to allow herself to be afraid of him. Not anymore.


	23. Chapter 23

Vala jogged down the hallway toward Master Yevara's quarters, her heart pounding.  She wasn't sure how he would react to finding out Ben was missing, but that wasn't the only thing bothering her.  A cold, unsettled feeling hovered at the edges of her thoughts.  Foresight had never been one of her strengths, but even she could tell that something, somewhere, was very wrong.

The door opened before she could even raise her hand to knock.

"Master Yevara," she said, "it's Ben.  He's—"

But Master Yevara didn't seem to hear her.  He stepped past her into the hallway, his expression grave.  "Find the other Masters, and the rest of the instructors," he said briskly. "They will have sensed it, as well.  Tell them to secure the students in the main floor training room and go to their posts, then send an emergency message through to Master Skywalker yourself.  When you have done that, meet me outside the front entrance."

"What is it?" Vala called after him as he started down the hallway. "What's wrong?  This can't all be about Ben."

He turned around to face her, and there was a sudden sadness in his eyes.  "I fear Ben Solo has a part to play in this," he said, "but for now it is only a small one.  Quickly, Vala.  There is no time to waste."

* * *

 

Ten minutes later, Vala came out through the main entrance doors, still breathless from running.  It was dark; this late in the season, dawn wouldn't come for another hour.  The stars shone brightly overhead, and she could just make out the figure of Master Yevara a few paces away, his back to her.

"Everyone's in place," she said, walking up beside him. Her voice sounded harsh in the pre-dawn stillness.  "I sent the emergency code through to Master Luke's X-wing, but he hasn't responded yet."

Master Yevara merely nodded, staring out over the rocky plains in front of the Academy.

"What is it?" Vala asked again.  "What's happening?"

He closed his eyes, breathing slowly. "Something is coming," he said quietly, "though I cannot yet say what it is."

"But you think it involves Ben?"

"The timing of his disappearance is impossible to ignore.  And there have been signs.  Master Skywalker and I have been watching him carefully for some time."

Vala shook her head.  "I  _ knew _ I should have checked on him as soon as I got back this morning," she said.  "Maybe if we'd found out a few hours earlier…"

He turned to look at her. "Now is not the time to lay blame on anyone, least of all yourself," he said.  "Wishing we had done things differently can do nothing to change the events already set in motion."

Before she could reply, a brilliant orange fireball erupted on the horizon, lighting the sky like a sudden, unnatural sunrise. Vala stumbled backward, nearly falling over in her rush to get away as two more explosions split the air, each a little nearer than the last. She tugged at Master Yevara's arm, trying to drag him back inside.

"What are you doing?" she yelled as the sound of the distant blasts finally reached them.  "We're being attacked!  You can't just stand there, we have to—"

Master Yevara held up a hand to silence her.  "This is a distraction, not an attack," he said. "The real danger lies elsewhere."

He closed his eyes again, looking just as calm and focused as he always did, but Vala felt jittery with impatience.  Her eyes darted back and forth, looking everywhere but at the approaching explosions, trying to find something, _ anything _ , that would—

She froze, taking in the solid black expanse of sky above her.

"The stars," she said. "They're gone."

Master Yevara's eyes flew open.  "Of course," he said, studying the sky.  " _ Of course." _

He turned and rushed back inside without another word. Vala ran after him, wincing as another explosion echoed behind them, the closest one yet. If this was just a distraction, it was a  _ very _ effective one.

"Begin the evacuation process," he said, moving so quickly that she struggled to keep up.  "Derk is preparing the transports as we speak; board the youngest students first.  Those who are of age may choose whether to leave or stay, but any who stay should report to the rear entrance immediately, prepared to defend the Academy."

"What about Ryn?"

His step faltered almost imperceptibly.  "She is of age," he said.  "We cannot force her to leave.  But I suggest you do everything in your power to persuade her—the danger to her in particular may be greater than she realizes."

Vala nodded and took off down a side hallway toward the training room where the students were gathered.  Everyone sat clustered in small groups around the room, talking quietly; the instructors and older students were doing their best to console the younger children, some of whom looked particularly frightened.  All eyes turned to Vala as soon as she came through the door, and one of the other instructors immediately pulled her aside.

"What's going on?" he whispered.

"Emergency evacuation," she said.  "I don't know all the details yet. Is everyone accounted for?"

His expression darkened.  "Almost.  Ryn Starling wasn't in her room.  Y'sharn is looking for her."

" _ Blast  _ it! I  _ told _ her to—"  She sighed and shook her head.  "Never mind.  I'll find her myself.  Start the evacuation without me—I'll get her to the transport as soon as I can."

Vala relayed the rest of Master Yevara's instructions, then ran back out into the hall.  She didn't want to think about what might happen to Ryn if she couldn't find her in time.


	24. Chapter 24

Ryn took a deep breath, letting the cool morning air fill her lungs.  It was fresh and clean, smelling of trees, soil, and...was that smoke?  Memories of the campfire in the forest clearing and Ben's training group floated to the surface of her thoughts, but she did her best to push them away.  Ben was gone. She wasn't going to allow him a place in her mind anymore.

She stepped off the path she had been following and sat down on a large stone at the edge of the trees. The moon had already set, but the starlight overhead was bright enough to give her a dim view of her surroundings.

She knew she should have stayed in her room—she had never seen Vala in such a panic, and she hated to go against her orders—but Ryn had never been able to stand the feeling of being trapped inside.  Even as a child, when her uncle would lock her in her bedroom for days at a time, she found a way to climb out the window and escape to the freedom of the forest below. It was the one place she felt at peace.

Ryn crossed her legs and tried to relax, letting her mind slip toward a state of mediation as Master Yevara had taught her. It was easier out here, somehow, without the constraint of four walls pressing in on her.  After only a few moments she could feel her consciousness begin to _settle_ , like a boat supported by the surface of a river.  Carefully, she reached out to the forest around her, and a flood of sensation washed over her.  There was so much _life_ here, and Ryn could feel every bit of it.  Much of it was blurred, just splashes of color and warmth, but in some places the details broke through—tiny insects crawling up the trunk of a tree; fresh green tendrils still curled up within a seed, waiting to sprout; a mother spineburrow nestled beneath the ground with her young.  Everything was peaceful, in balance.

Stretching out further, she let the forest fill her consciousness.  The colors blurred, most of the details lost in the sheer density and diversity of the life that surrounded her.  Vague impressions brushed against her senses, like ripples in the Force. Peace. Rest. Security.

 A violent shiver ran through her.

 Something…

  _Fear._

 Something was wrong…

  _Pain._

 The forest…

 

_Burning._

 

_Dying._

 

Ryn fell backwards off the stone as the shock coursed through her.  For a moment she couldn't breathe—the pain, the searing heat was so fresh in her mind that she could almost feel it ripping through her lungs. So much life, just... _gone_ , in an instant.  Leaving only chaos in its place.

She found her breath again and opened her eyes, half-expecting the forest to be in flames around her.  But everything was dark and quiet, just as it had been before. Darker, in fact.

She looked up.  One by one, the stars were winking out of existence, casting both sky and land in an inky blackness.

 

* * *

 

 

"How many, Master Korlez?"

The Nautolan turned to face Master Yevara as he stepped up beside him.  "Twenty," he said. "Though only five Force-users, from what I can tell."

The four Masters who remained in Luke's absence, along with three of the instructors, had gathered outside the rear entrance.  Master Yevara surveyed the forest spread out before them—a pale orange glow was creeping up from the horizon below the trees, but it was not yet near dawn. He could smell the smoke now.

"What are they thinking?" said the younger man on Master Yevara's other side.  "Five Force-users against a Jedi Academy? They'll be _slaughtered_.  We might as well not have bothered with the evacuation."

"Do not be so quick to underestimate your opponent when you do not yet know who you are facing," said Master Yevara.  "I assume you have noticed the craft directly above us?"

The man looked up, and even in the dim light Master Yevara could see him pale.  "Is that…?"

"An Imperial Star Destroyer," said Master Korlez.

"The First Order?"

"The First Order, yes," said Master Yevara.  "But worse than that, I should say. That Destroyer is Snoke's personal ship."

Master Korlez shook his head, heavy tentacles swaying from side to side.  "That's impossible. None of the Force-users I can sense are anywhere near that powerful."

"He may not be physically present for the battle, but he is in command—there can be no doubt of that. A being as powerful as Snoke is no less dangerous at a distance than he would be were he standing in front of you.  And Ben Solo, young as he is, should not be taken lightly, either."

"So Ben _is_ among them," said Master Korlez.  "I had hoped I was mistaken."

"No, your senses were correct.  I fear he has been under Snoke's influence for some time."

They fell silent, and Master Yevara could hear the sharp snapping of the trees as they burned, sense the blazing heat of the flames; they were moving quickly.  All around him, he felt the others preparing for the fight—the younger instructors were growing tense, struggling to stay calm in spite of the nervous energy flowing through them.

"Remembering to breathe, will, I believe, improve our chances substantially, Mr. Brelin."  The young man to Master Yevara's right looked startled, but nodded, inhaling rather sharply.  Master Yevara laid an encouraging hand on his shoulder.

"What we have here is worth defending," he said, turning back to face the trees.  "The lives of our students are worth defending. Center your focus on that truth and neither fear nor anger will overtake you."

A gust of wind rushed over them, hot and smoky and filled with glowing embers that settled like red-hot snowflakes on their robes and the ground at their feet.  Moments later, a wall of flame burst through the trees with a roar, then slowed to a stop a dozen yards ahead of them.

_Not natural fire, then._  Master Yevara glanced up at the Star Destroyer hovering above them.   _You never could resist the chance to put on a show, could you?_

He felt a shiver of anticipation run through the group behind him, but their minds were steady.  They were prepared—as prepared as they would ever be.

The flames parted in the center like a row of curtains being thrown open, revealing a group of masked, hooded figures in a V-formation. The figure at the head of the V stayed silent—it was the man to his right who spoke, and even through the mask his voice was unmistakable.

"Ryn Starling," he said.  "Hand her over to us and we'll leave the children unharmed."

Master Yevara sighed.  "You should know better than to try to lie to me, Ben," he said.  "You have no intention of leaving the children unharmed, whether I give you Ryn Starling or not—which, of course, I will not be doing."

Ben lowered his hood, his face still hidden by the heavy black mask. "I'm disappointed, old man," said Ben.  "But not surprised. Just remember that you could have made this easy."

He raised one arm straight out in front of him, sending a small, rounded object shooting through the air. As it flew toward him, Master Yevara lifted his hand casually and froze the object in place, inches from his palm.  He plucked it out of the air with two fingers, holding it up to examine it. It was disc-shaped, slightly curved, with a bulge in the center from which a short needle protruded.

"And what would this have done, then, hmm?" he said.  "Incapacitate me? Cut off my connection to the Force?   _No_."  He dropped the object to the ground and crushed it beneath his foot.  "You'll have to do better than that, I think."

Ben clenched his hand into a fist at his side, the only outward indication of the fury that was raging inside him.  Vaguely, Master Yevara registered the sound of the Academy door opening and felt the presence of others joining them.

"Master Skywalker firmly believes there is yet good in you," he said.  "But in this one instance I do not agree with him. Ben Solo, as he once existed, has been gone for some time."

" _Ben?_ "

It was Mal Veran's voice.  She had pushed her way through the group of older students that had gathered behind him, anger radiating from her in waves.

"How _could_ you...you _coward!_ " Master Yevara laid a hand on her shoulder to calm her, but she shook it off, taking another step forward. "Why don't you at least show your face while you betray us?  Or are you—"

Before she could finish speaking, Ben raised his hand and threw her backwards off the ground, hurtling her toward the solid stone wall of the building with enough force to—

" _Enough!_ " Master Yevara stretched out with the Force and caught her before she could slam into the wall, lowering her gently to the ground. "I have been patient with you, Ben—perhaps too patient.  But no longer. Abandon this foolishness, or I will not hesitate to do whatever is necessary to protect this school and its students."

Ben laughed, the sound from beneath the mask cold and hollow. He pulled a black lightsaber hilt from his belt and ignited it, the flare of red light nearly blending into the flames surrounding him.

"I look forward to seeing you try."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long time between updates! I haven't had much time to work on it lately, and this part of the story is proving especially difficult to write.


End file.
